The Future’s Bright, The Future’s Fucked.

Last month I overheard two teenage lassies on the bus say “LOL” to each other instead of actually laughing.

Yes it made me despair for the entire future of Humans.
And yes it made me want to smash their screwed up orange faces in.

Actually,
Seeing that made me want to smash my own face in but the way I see it;
If you can’t kill ’em,
Laugh at ’em.

I accept that a lot of kids these days are complete morons.

So I went and looked up an Internet Slang Dictionary.
It’s fucking ridiculous and sad and hilarious all at once and here are some of the best ones I found:
(P.S. 3 of these are made up by me. See if you can spot them).

BOBFOC: Body of Baywatch, Face of Crimewatch.

MLOD: Mega laugh out loud of doom.

MWSMIRL: Maybe we should meet in real life.

DIAF: Die in a fire.

ODAY: Software illegally obtained before it was released.

A3: Anyplace, anywhere, anytime.

BUTTERFACE: Everything is hot but her face.

FMNKML: Fuck me now, kiss me later.

CODE 9: Parents are watching.

DYCOTFC: Do you cyber on the first chat?

FGI: Fucking Google it.

BWPWAP: Back when Pluto was a planet.

AFCPMGO: Away from computer parents may go on.

LIWDAD: Like I would do a disabled.

OFN: Old fucking news.

AMIIGAF: Ask me if I give a fuck.

BB4H: Bros before hoes.

CYA: Cover your ass.

FANF: Fancy a nostril fuck?

LOLLERCAUST: An extreme event of hilarity.

IRSOAK: I’d rather sit on a knife.

SINGLE: Stay intoxicated nightly, get laid everyday.

So there you go parents.
That’s what your kids are getting up to on the computer.

This is my favourite:

SOFAS: Stepping out for a smoke.

Ladies & Gentlemen, The Future…

Francis from work sent me this.
He got it from his Dad who marks examination papers.

The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys).

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow .

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and
The abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium .

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?
A. Roman Emperor .

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport .

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shik wears on his head.

What hope have we honestly all got.
That’s what you’re up against these days folks.

That’s the future of the place. 🙂