Ever Answer Public Telephones When They Ring?

Do you ever answer public telephones when they ring?

Yesterday in Glasgow’s South Side,
Anna and me were waiting on the train at Crossmyloof station when the phone on the wall rang.

Me, I pretty much always answer public phones if they start ringing in the hope of getting myself getting caught up in some sort of “Phonebooth” scenario just like Colin Farrell.

Turns out I wasn’t too far off this time because when I picked the phone up a high pitched voice said:

“I’m on top of the building behind you.
I have a sniper trained on the back of your fucking head”.

So there’s me looking at the building behind me when the voice says:
“Would you like to touch my penis?”

AHAHA!
I was busy laughing and repeating what the voice was saying aloud to Anna and two other women who were sitting beside us when it then says:

“Don’t you dare get on that train.
There are people on the way to smash your fucking face with baseball bats”.

Ha Ha!
Kids today eh?
The cheeky wee scamps.

I’m off to see if I’m on youtube.

You Just Fucked With The Wrong Mexican.

Remember “Machete”?

Ah Machete.

“Machete” was one of the amazing fake trailers filmed for the Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez “Grindhouse” movie project.

It was the first of 5 fake trailers to be shot.

We’re talking vintage B-Movies here folks and the “Machete” trailer looked so convincingly good as an actual B-Movie that it even had me fooled for a second.
As you’ll see,
It was all so promising!

Audiences demanded that it be made into a full-on feature film.

Here’s the original fake trailer made by Robert Rodriguez for use in “Grindhouse”:

Here’s the new “official” trailer for the actual movie “Machete”:

Is it me or has it already lost everything that made it good?
I mean,
Isn’t a big dazzling 20th Century Fox logo a bit of a contradiction?
How can it be an over the top, cheap looking, gritty B-Movie now?

The movie has one of the most exciting cast lists I’ve seen in a long time but that logo means it’s now a big shiny Hollywood production.

I don’t care if Robert De Niro’s is in it.
I think this film will be fucking terrible.

And not in the good way.

The Polishing & Scrubbing Of Robocop.

I watched “Robocop” last night.

This film came out in 1987 and that year seems like yesterday to me but watching it again proves that 1987 was in fact, a very long time ago.

I loved this film then and I love it now.
I was all ready to write about the dead on social commentary it provided of the times.
I was ready to talk about the wit of the film.
I wanted to talk about the completely over the top excessive, cartoon violence of the film.
In short,
I just wanted to explain why this film is a big shiny metal classic to me.

But no.
I’ve decided to tell you about something else instead.

A sign of the sad and depressing, joyless, politically correct world we now walk around in.

Y’see,
I hate censorship.
If you read this blog, you’ve probably noticed.

I’m very against censorship and “Robocop” has been heavily censored over the years.
Try to catch it on the T.V. sometime, the results are hilarious!

FUCK ME!” becomes “WHY ME!“,
MOTHERFUCKER!” becomes “MOTHERCRUSHER!“.

But anyways,
I was digging around the internet and found a “Scrubbed” version of “Robocop”.
Know what “Scrubbed” means?

Do you see my problem here?

I mean,
“Robocop” is pretty much all violence and profanity.
The violence is central to the plot and yet here’s some guy offering to “Scrub” this film of all those bad sweary words and remove all of those big bad guns for you.

And the funniest thing is,
It’s not even a joke!
This guy is serious about this scrubbing buisness and he puts the results up online.

My first thought was:
“HAHA! ‘Robocop’ with no violence!? That’ll be about 3 minutes long”.

And folks,
It pretty much is.

This guy even lists his scrubbed version as the Director’s Cut.
That’s just cheeky 🙂

Here’s a screen shot of what this “Scrubber” guy does to films:

Before you say “AL! That’s Fucking Ridiculous!”,
This guy has also “Scrubbed” many more films.

Here’s a list of some of the other films he has “edited to remove profanity, nudity and excessive violence“:

The Terminator“.
Back To The Future“.
JAWS“.
Jurassic Park“.
Ghostbusters“.
Total Recall“.
Shaun Of The Dead“.

The list goes on but I can’t because it’s too ridiculous. 🙂

Movie Review: “Kick-Ass”.

I went to see “Kick-Ass” a few days ago.
I fucking well loved it!

I’m not one for Superhero movies and I’m not much into reading comics either but “Kick-Ass” was right up my Street!

I recognised Aaron Johnson up on the screen as “Kick-Ass” from the film “Nowhere Boy“.

I thought that “Nowhere Boy” (Where Johnson portrayed a teenage John Lennon) was okay in parts but ultimately full of silly scenarios which didn’t actually happen.
I also thought his English accent sounded off.

But there’s me in the back of the cinema watching “Kick-Ass” and Aaron is doing a spot on American geek accent!
I was confused about where this guy comes from and get this!
He’s English!

“Kick-Ass” is loads of fun.
It’s hilarious and over the top violent and makes Sam Raimi look like he takes things far too seriously.
Sam Raimi!

The great Nicholas Cage puts in a fucking star turn as ‘Big Daddy’ and plays it for laughs all the way with a very good Adam West impersonation.


The whole picture would have been Cage’s had it not been for this wee lassie:

Hit Girl“.
A 13 year old insanely violent hit girl who has a mouth like a sailor.
She’s played by Chloe Moretz and I wouldn’t fight her.

There’s no way you can’t have a sequel to this film.
Treat yourself to a laugh and go see it.

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