Your Cat’s Deid.

“Your cat’s deid”.

Remember that?
Remember people used to say that to boys in school who had trousers like this:

Why was that?
Short trousers.
White socks.
Slip-On shoes with tassles if you were very unlucky.

What’s that got to do with cats?
“Your cat’s are deid mate”.
Where did that saying come from and what’s it got to do with this:

Was Michael Jackson involved?

I remember these poor guys at school who constantly had to put up with:
“Here mate, your cats are deid”.

And then later on,
That saying changed into people making a simple gun noise followed by a Miaow.

What the fuck was that all about?
Was it just a Scottish thing?
Anyone know anything?

What Can Possibly Go Wrong?

It was definately a strange day I had.

There was me sitting in the office waiting.
Waiting like I’ve waited so many times for the teacher to come in and have words with me about my attitude and future.

Except!
It’s not the 1990’s and I’m not about to be told off for swearing in class or setting that piano on fire by accident or refusing to wear the stupid school uniform because it clashed with my cool black suede coat or anything like that.

Nope.
Those days are long gone now but oddly enough,
I’m waiting on the same teacher who used to have to tell me off for all those things back in school all those years ago…

Eddie Morrison: My old English and form teacher.

Eddie’s a Headteacher now at a school in Hamilton.
You couldn’t meet a nicer, dedicated, more caring feller.
He hasn’t changed a bit since i knew him.
Sometimes Eddie’s classes were the only reason I even bothered to show up for school.

Beginning this week,
I’ll be working with some of the pupils at Eddie’s school on an English/Illustration project that we’ve been secretly putting together since January.

The idea is:
The pupils write their own original stories with a view to illustrating them and I take things from there in the form of various workshops.

What can possibly go wrong.

So,
Things might get quiet on here over the next week or two whilst I’m working on that but I’ll try and post some updates on here whenever I can.

It’ll be strange going back to school.

Maybe I’ll even get to utter the famous lines said many a time to me by Eddie:

“You’re only ruining it for yourself!”

Heh heh 🙂

So Long Supergrass…

There was the news today:

Back in the days of school when you kept getting asked that fucking question, Blur or Oasis?”
It didn’t matter because there was Supergrass!

I loved and still love Supergrass.
They were a fuckin’ great band!

I saw them once too!
Glasgow Barrowlands one year (1996?).
A better live band than a studio band, I always thought.

A good time band who knew how to make cool videos!

So that’s them split after 17 years.

Until they come back (And I betcha they will),
Dig out those first two albums.

I listened to both today and they’re still great!

Ladies & Gentlemen, The Future…

Francis from work sent me this.
He got it from his Dad who marks examination papers.

The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys).

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A.
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A.
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A.
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow .

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.
Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)?
A.
The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and
The abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A.
A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A.
Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium .

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’.
A.
The caesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?
A.
Roman Emperor .

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A.
When you are sick at the airport .

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A.
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A.
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A.
Something an Arab or Shik wears on his head.

What hope have we honestly all got.
That’s what you’re up against these days folks.

That’s the future of the place. 🙂

Killer Clowns In Transit Vans In The 1990’s.

I was reminded of this by a Facebook conversation with my Sister:

Since then,
I’ve thought about it and tried to find things online about it.
I found about 2 mentions of it on the entire internet and they were pretty useless.
Here’s how I remember it…

Sometime around 1991 when I would have been 9,
There were rumours of men going around Glasgow & Lanarkshire (Where I lived) in transit vans dressed as clowns.
Royal Blue Transit Vans.

The story goes that these guys were escaped psychopaths from Carstairs Hospital hell bent on disfiguring and murdering children in the area.
Myth? Rumour? It probably was but friends of mine who are the same age as me and from different parts of Scotland have told me that the story was around in their schools at the same time too.

I think that there must have been something in it.
Just enough truth to build on y’know?

Because I remember an assembly being held in my School.

All the children were told to go straight home at the end of the day and “If you even see a Royal Blue Transit Van children, Run!”
…Like all Holy Hell all the way home.
That was always at the front of our minds when we walked home everyday.
We’d talk about it on the way and the stories (Probably invented by our imagination) grew and grew.

I grew up in Mossend which is a wee part of Bellshill.
I know for a fact that the Bellshill clown story got mixed up with another local story.

In Mossend when I was really young, there was a gypsy camp a stones throw from my house.
Apparently, there was a gypsy called Tommy who would cut both sides of your mouth open then pin you down and tickle you whilst jig-sawing your face with a blade.
In Bellshill at the time, that wasn’t that far fetched.

Ha ha!
I’m laughing like a looney tune as I’m typing this!
It’s funny now but see when you’re 7?
It’s fucking far from funny my friends!
Far from it.

OH!
I don’t mean to go off on tangents but I need to tell you this:

Later when I was 12, I made friends with a gypsy girl whose name I’ve long forgotten.
She stayed in a caravan at the camp near my house and one day she invited me to her home and her Dad goes:

“Who’s this then?”

She said: “Oh this is just Alan from School”.

Then her Dad goes: “Well nice to meet you Alan. My name’s Tommy”.

I instantly thought to myself: “It’s Tommy The Gypsy!”
I nearly had a massive stroke right there and then folks!

Anyways back to 1991:

That ‘Tommy The Gypsy’ story got lumped in with the clown Story and it became:
‘Psychopathic men dressed as Clowns going around knifing and kidnapping and jig-sawing children’s faces in a Royal Blue Transit Van’.
I’m almost positive that it made the papers at the time but I haven’t found anything yet.

One time when me and my pal Stephen were walking through a lane,
A Transit Van pulled up slowly blocking the bottom of the lane.
Royal Blue.

That lane was our only way home.

We fucking rocketed right down passed that van and Stephen gave the back doors of it a boot and shouted something imaginative like “FUCK YOU! YOU CLOWN FUCKS!”
(Even as kids we knew how to swear!)
…But I couldn’t give the van a kick.
I was too scared.
Stephen wasn’t.

But then again,
Most kids’ experience of clowns in 1991 was Ronald McDonald.
My folks let me see and read whatever I liked.
My experience of clowns in 1991 was Pennywise!

Folks!

If any of this even rings a slight bell with you, please post your stories here on this blog ‘cause I’d love to hear them.
Especially if you grew up in Lanarkshire or Glasgow.

Even if you’re from anywhere else actually!
If you have a similar story involving Clowns, post it here and we’ll try and get to the bottom of this.

I’m not scared of Clowns.
No really!
I’m 28 Years Old.
I’m not.

But all the same,
I’m still really wary of Royal Blue Transit Vans.

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