Jack Nicholson Does Stuff.

Here is a picture of Jack Nicholson being a rat:

And here’s Jack Nicholson making a very interesting face while knocking on a door.
Jack is an expert at multi-tasking:

Here’s a picture of Jack Nicholson touching Batman’s shoulder:

Here we have Jack Nicholson raising his eyebrows and smiling and in general, just being Jack Nicholson:

Here’s one of Jack Nicholson baing super classy and having great hair:

But this…
This is probably my favourite.
Here is Jack Nicholson being…Jack Nicholson:

That’s my new desktop background image right there!
Visit Jack Nicholson Does Stuff for all of these and many more!

Home Decorating: Ed Gein Style.

What are you doing here?
Are you some sort of sick maniac?
I’ll assume that you’re at least some sort of weirdo.
If you’re anyone else then…

WARNING!
This post contains some things which could potentially fuck you all the way up forever and if that doesn’t happen, you’re at least gonna see some very disturbing images so you should probably go away right now.

Still here?
What the hell’s the matter with you?
Okay never mind.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Let’s just get this freakshow on the road.

Today I’ll be showing you how to decorate your house in the style of everybody’s favourite insane necrophilic serial killer Momma’s boy, Ed Gein.

First of all, you will need a house.
This was Ed Gein’s Mother’s house in Plainfield Wisconsin and when she died, it was all Ed’s.

As you can see, Ed Gein’s house was an enormous farmhouse and you should bear this in mind when you buy yours because this allows for secret spaces which will come in handy later on.
But we’ll get to that.

Now what you want to do is dive straight in and commence your secret hobby of grave robbing and your descent into absolute madness in general.
Now don’t worry because even Ed Gein had to start at the start and grave robbing can be tricky at first.

First thing’s first: You have to decide who you’re gonna dig up.
Ed Gein began with his recently deceased Mother and that really is a good choice because you have that familiarity which you won’t necessarily have later on with other dead bodies.

You should be prepared.
Get yourself a van.
Any van will do so long as it has plenty of space in the back for tools and dead bodies and it’s not gonna break down outside the police station on the way home.

Obviously, you want to be doing this kind of stuff at night but don’t just assume that because it’s night, nobody will disturb you. Always be prepared to be taking home more than one body at a time and remember that you may have to bash someone’s head in with your shovel at a moment’s notice.

You will need some basic tools:
1 x hammer.
1 x chisel.
1 x shovel.
1 x gardeners rake.
1 x torch.
1 x cigarette lighter and/or matches.
You will also need rope, heavy duty plastic bags, bed sheets, gloves and a current driver’s license.

Actually, what am I talking about.
You probably know all of this.
I’m sorry. I’m just supposed to be telling you how to decorate your house and not how to do what you already know how to do. I just got carried away there so sorry if I came across as patronising.

Anyways.
So, you have your bodies back at the house.
You will no doubt be really busy what with the exhumed dead bodies and necrophilia and everything so you may not have the time for housework but that’s okay because Ed Gein kept a very messy household.
Ed Gein and Mr. Sheen were strangers.
Pay particular attention to paying no attention to the living room because this is generally the first focus point for the cops when they turn up to arrest you because it’s close to the front door.

Cobwebs are important because this shows that you stopped caring a LONG time ago!

Never throw anything away and become a hoarder of everything and anything.
Here’s a photo of Ed Gein’s living room for reference:

As you can see, the more cluttered and messy, the better and creepier it is.
The creepy element is incredibly important for shocking the life out of your neighbours when they turn up behind the cops to see just how fucked up and far gone you’ve been for all this time.
The look on their faces will be priceless.

You should make sure that you have a fridge freezer with a lot of space so you can put your chopped off heads in because as you know, left out at room temperature, things can get pretty horrible pretty quickly and hard to handle not to mention the black ooze which is nothing short of a total bitch to get out of your clothes.

If after a while, your fridge becomes too crowded you can take a leaf from the Ed Gein home DIY manual and make human face masks which can be stored in wooden boxes on the floor.

Okay, so now you’re well on your way to incarceration for the rest of your life so why not experiment?
You’ll be completely out of your mind at this stage but you should still be capable of whatever artistic talents you may have had prior.
In your spare time you should read up on taxidermy as this is particularly useful in making dead human face masks.

For Ed Gein, making human face masks was only the start and over time he honed his artistic talents and eventually wound up making full human ‘Women Suits’. Yep, by this point, all of Ed’s marbles were rolling around in his head and he’d prance around the house dressed in these ‘suits’ getting up to all kinds of crazy deranged necrophilic schizoid shit.

Gein was also a cannibal and unsurprisingly he was very creative when it came to making bowls to eat body part stew from. Check out these skull bowls he designed:

Making body part stew can be pretty messy work and although your entire house will now be a complete rundown gruesome hovel, you don’t want to keep getting your hands dirty.
Again it’s time to consult the Ed Gein home DIY manual for instructions on making…Tanned Human skin hand gloves!

Handy things to have I’m sure you’ll agree and all joking aside, those babys will last you a lifetime!
…Although, on second thought, they probably won’t allow you to have them in the mental hospital you’re going to while you wait out the days until the state has the time to put you in the electric chair.
Still though.

Apart from the kitchen, the room you’ll no doubt spend most of your time in will be the bedroom and because you’re utterly insane, you won’t give a dead rat’s ass about the condition of the place.

Take Ed Gein’s bedroom for instance.
It’s almost as if he knew that the films “Psycho”, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Silence Of The Lambs” would all be directly based on his demented life.

As we exit the house and make our way to the garage you should probably bear in mind that your cluttering and hoarding hard work has all been for nothing because your neighbours will no doubt show up in the dead of night and burn your entire house of horrors to the ground just like Ed Gein’s neighbours did to his place.

Your time on the rollercoaster is just about up Sonny Jim but before that; let’s take a look at the garage.
Your garage is where you’ll unload your bodies from the van and eventually where you’ll conduct some of your most twisted and sinister fucked up shit.
As per, make sure it’s a damned mess:

The police are well on their merry way to kicking your door down any day now and turning your lights out forever so you want to make sure that if you gotta go out, go with a horrifying sight which will shock the entire World so that fuck-ups like yourself will be stopped before they even start.

And what could do that better than a headless, hung upside down, gutted naked dead body of a Woman in the garage?
Probably nothing.

So that concludes our home decorating lesson Ed Gein style folks and I hope that it’s been of help to you.
Nobody normal likes a Mr. Messy and not a lot of people take too kindly to fucked up necrophilic cannibalistic serial killing evil sons of bitches either so in short:
Turn on that hoover once in a while.
Mop that floor every Sunday.
Clean those surfaces every two days.
Wash those windows and take out the trash whenever that bag gets near full.
But most of all…STAY AWAY FROM THAT DAMN GRAVEYARD!

Happy decorating everyone and be sure to tune in next time where I’ll be discussing just how to remove those stubborn stains.

For more information on all of the Ed Gein stuff not covered in this article, read THIS and remember,
Eddy loves ya!

Safe At Home.

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Find out why only in “Safe At Home” – The latest installment of Al Cook’s “Necropolis”.

T

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Al Cook’s “Necropolis” …Coming Soon…

I’ve been secretly working on a new project for a wee while now.
It’s almost ready.

Bad things are coming.
Shocking & disturbing things.

You’re all invited too.

I’ve set up a brand new blog for this THING and you can find it right HERE.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Killer Clowns In Transit Vans In The 1990’s.

I was reminded of this by a Facebook conversation with my Sister:

Since then,
I’ve thought about it and tried to find things online about it.
I found about 2 mentions of it on the entire internet and they were pretty useless.
Here’s how I remember it…

Sometime around 1991 when I would have been 9,
There were rumours of men going around Glasgow & Lanarkshire (Where I lived) in transit vans dressed as clowns.
Royal Blue Transit Vans.

The story goes that these guys were escaped psychopaths from Carstairs Hospital hell bent on disfiguring and murdering children in the area.
Myth? Rumour? It probably was but friends of mine who are the same age as me and from different parts of Scotland have told me that the story was around in their schools at the same time too.

I think that there must have been something in it.
Just enough truth to build on y’know?

Because I remember an assembly being held in my School.

All the children were told to go straight home at the end of the day and “If you even see a Royal Blue Transit Van children, Run!”
…Like all Holy Hell all the way home.
That was always at the front of our minds when we walked home everyday.
We’d talk about it on the way and the stories (Probably invented by our imagination) grew and grew.

I grew up in Mossend which is a wee part of Bellshill.
I know for a fact that the Bellshill clown story got mixed up with another local story.

In Mossend when I was really young, there was a gypsy camp a stones throw from my house.
Apparently, there was a gypsy called Tommy who would cut both sides of your mouth open then pin you down and tickle you whilst jig-sawing your face with a blade.
In Bellshill at the time, that wasn’t that far fetched.

Ha ha!
I’m laughing like a looney tune as I’m typing this!
It’s funny now but see when you’re 7?
It’s fucking far from funny my friends!
Far from it.

OH!
I don’t mean to go off on tangents but I need to tell you this:

Later when I was 12, I made friends with a gypsy girl whose name I’ve long forgotten.
She stayed in a caravan at the camp near my house and one day she invited me to her home and her Dad goes:

“Who’s this then?”

She said: “Oh this is just Alan from School”.

Then her Dad goes: “Well nice to meet you Alan. My name’s Tommy”.

I instantly thought to myself: “It’s Tommy The Gypsy!”
I nearly had a massive stroke right there and then folks!

Anyways back to 1991:

That ‘Tommy The Gypsy’ story got lumped in with the clown Story and it became:
‘Psychopathic men dressed as Clowns going around knifing and kidnapping and jig-sawing children’s faces in a Royal Blue Transit Van’.
I’m almost positive that it made the papers at the time but I haven’t found anything yet.

One time when me and my pal Stephen were walking through a lane,
A Transit Van pulled up slowly blocking the bottom of the lane.
Royal Blue.

That lane was our only way home.

We fucking rocketed right down passed that van and Stephen gave the back doors of it a boot and shouted something imaginative like “FUCK YOU! YOU CLOWN FUCKS!”
(Even as kids we knew how to swear!)
…But I couldn’t give the van a kick.
I was too scared.
Stephen wasn’t.

But then again,
Most kids’ experience of clowns in 1991 was Ronald McDonald.
My folks let me see and read whatever I liked.
My experience of clowns in 1991 was Pennywise!

Folks!

If any of this even rings a slight bell with you, please post your stories here on this blog ‘cause I’d love to hear them.
Especially if you grew up in Lanarkshire or Glasgow.

Even if you’re from anywhere else actually!
If you have a similar story involving Clowns, post it here and we’ll try and get to the bottom of this.

I’m not scared of Clowns.
No really!
I’m 28 Years Old.
I’m not.

But all the same,
I’m still really wary of Royal Blue Transit Vans.

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