‘The Ginger-Snap Cream’ By Alan Cook.

This story is called: “The Ginger-Snap Cream” and it’s completely true.

When I was 8 years old, I tried a biscuit called ‘The Ginger-Snap Cream’ for the first time and I LOVED THEM and later on that same night, when my Mum and Dad were sleeping, I tip-toed down into the kitchen and I stole the ENTIRE packet of biscuits because I wanted them all to be mine.

I crept back up the stairs in the dark and hid the stolen ginger-snap creams under my pilow and over the next couple of days, I was pleased that nobody had noticed the missing biscuits.

One day, I came home from school to be confronted by my Mum and Dad who were holding up the now almost empty packet of ginger-snap creams and straight away, I broke and confessed EVERYTHING!

They told me that I was greedy and that I should be ashamed of myself. And friends, they were quite right.

When Sunday came, I went into the ‘confessional box’ at chapel and confessed my secret thieveing greedy shame to the local priest who told me that Jesus and God were very disappointed in me and that the only way out of it was for me to say 25 ‘Hail Mary’ prayers, an ‘Our Father’ AND a ‘Glory Be’.

I thought the sentence was a bit harsh but I said every last one of those prayers anyway.

TO THIS VERY DAY, I feel greedy whenever I eat even the smallest amount of food and I also have a problem eating infront of people.

THE END.

Alan Cook. (Age 30).

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* There’s Yer Dinner!
* A Sinister Tennant
* My Tragic Fridge: An Update

Dead Flies.

A couple of weeks back I came home to find one of my favourite books lying on the floor with a fly mushed across the lovely dust jacket.
Yep, if a fly is unlucky enough to fly into my house and Anna is home then the fly can flaming well just forget it.

Me,the good guy, always takes the time to put flies and spiders under glass and then I walk down the 8 flights of stairs in my building and let ’em out!
I can frequently be seen at my door with my Outstanding Services To Wildlife medals on, shouting: “You’re free my friends!”

A Catholic upbringing was only useful for the guilt it forever brings me.
Anyways, some people don’t even give flies the quick death a hardback book will bring.
No, some people don’t even leave flies alone even after they’re dead…

 

Introducing A 5 Year Old To Horror Cinema.

I’m trying to wean my 5 year old Nephew Asa off of the computer games he constantly plays.
He plays this simple flash game where you’re a stickman sniper and you have to take out other stickmen with a rifle!
Last night he even had a nightmare where a gunman came into his room and shot him!
I don’t like it one bit…

As his Uncle who loves him, I can’t let this go on and although I was originally gonna save this talk for his 8th Birthday, today I introduced him to the beauty of horror cinema!
Nothing too graphic.
– Just a few slimey sea monsters and creatures to start him off…

Success!
It didn’t take as long as I thought it would either which gave me enough time to teach my 1 year old Niece Orla how to do an impression of the Zoltar machine from the movie “Big”…

The Soundtrack To My Life. 20/08/2011.

Well, I’ve slowly been moving out of my flat for the past couple of days now and here are some of the records that have kept me from going mad…

Pokey LaFarge & The South City Three – “Live At The Newport Folk Festival 2010”:

Robert Crumb And His Cheap Suit Serenaders’ selt titled Debut Album (1974):

Leadbelly: “Easy Rider” (3-Disc Compilation):

Big Mama Thornton: “The Original Hound Dog” (1990):

The “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” soundtrack by Jack Nitzsche (1975):

Almost 2 years have gone by since I wandered into The Strathclyde Suite in The Royal Concert Hall and saw Pokey LaFarge & The South City Three play one of the best gigs I’ve ever seen and they are STILL one of my favourite bands right now.
Still!
I got a hold of their performance at last year’s Newport Folk Festival and it’s just as good as their studio work.
I listen to these guys a lot and the Newport performance put me right in the mood for some more oldies…

Robert Crumb And His Cheap Suit Serenaders.
– Now there’s a fucking band!
Robert Crumb is of course, THEE Robert Crumb; the World famous (and notorious) underground cartoonist and illustrator. If you think his drawings are the works of a genius, you should check out this debut album because it fits perfectly with his artwork and him and his band will take you right back to the 1920’s.
Back to when music was good and inspired and played with heart.
Back before it was cheap and disposable like most of it is now.

I’ve been playing that Leadbelly compilation up there quite a lot recently too because I don’t know how he gets his 12-string guitar to sound exactly like it does and I want to find out. I’m pretty sure it’s because he tunes real low and hits his guitar rather than plays it.

Big Mama Thorton’s version of  “Hound Dog” will always be better than Presley’s for me but this particular album has a song on it which I love just as much. It’s called “Big Mama” and I love it because it starts off like this:
WELL…THEY CALL ME ‘BIG MAMA”BECAUSE I WEIGH 300 POUNDS!
Big Mama Thornton is how I imagine the Woman at the top of those legs in the Tom & Jerry Cartoons to be!

I’m not moving house very far. In fact I’m moving next door to myself but that’s besides the point because moving can still drive you crazy and sometimes it’s better if you just go with it and Jack Nitzsche’s “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” soundtrack will take you all the way to crazy and back.
I love that soundtrack more than the six invisible penguins who helped me move my things out of the flat.
Cheers boys!

Time to lie down for a few days.
Good morning.

A Sinister Tennant.

I have a new neighbour. I think he moved in a few weeks ago.

He lives in the same building as me but around the corner. I began to suspect him of being a weirdo almost as soon as he moved in because every single night, I pass his window on my way home from work, and every single night, he’s up there. Staring out at me. He looks like Norman Bates’ Mother from “Psycho”.

I’d come home from work at 6pm and he’d be there.
I’d come home from work at 2am and he’d be there.

Anna and I walked past last week and there he was. Anna thought he was creepy and I agreed. I also told her that he was a rude motherfucker on account of him never ever waving back at me whenever I would give him a friendly neighbourly wave. I don’t like him.

Yesterday I left the house at 7am and there he was again!Standing and staring as he usually does like a…fucking…

…A fucking…cardboard cut-out of David Tennant?

Note:
As I was taking those night photos, a scuzzy hooker with a Blackpool accent was barking at me, asking if I was looking for business. “Can’t you see I’m busy here?” I said. Who knows what she thought.

That’s Glesga fur ye!

You May Also Be Interested In…
* Al Cook’s Marketing & Poster Improvement Service
* My Comic-Strip: Al Cook’s “Necropolis”
*  Glasgow Cathedral At Sunset From My Window

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