Because Silence Is Sexy.

I never leave home without it.

I’m Going On The Skag.

I don’t know about giving up smoking.
I just don’t.
I mean, I enjoy smoking.

There are days when I think:
“Right that’s fucking it! I’m giving up!”

And then usually later on the same day I think:
“Ach, I don’t really want to give up yet.
What’s life without a vice or six!”

My mind basically argues with itself all the time and I just have to go along with the winner.
So as it is just now,
I’ve just decided to cut right down on cigarettes.

Ditch The Old Me:

For The New Me

See the thing is,
If I completely give up smoking I’ll need to take up something else to replace it with.
Like coffee (which I’ve been off for a year) or heroin or…heroin dipped in coffee or something.
That’s it!

Right that’s it settled.
I’m going on the skag.
Heroin would be less stessful than ditching cigarettes.
I’ll be too wasted to even know what a cigarette is!

I could even start some sort of great Jamie Oliveresque anti-smoking campaign!
No wait.

Ach, who am I kidding 😦
I’ve always had a handful of habits that folk tell me are bad.
The problem is I like them!

…I think I’m gonna be a pretty angry man for the next few weeks.
Sorry to everyone I know in advance.

My Experience Of Anxiety Attacks.

For the past while,
I’ve been thinking about Anxiety and attacks and what it actually is.
Just because it interests me and I don’t understand it.

It just happened to come up a lot recently in various conversations I’ve had with different pals.
It appears it’s quite a common thing.

I thought It might be about time to share my experiences of Anxiety Attacks on here.

I’ve had 2 definate ones and a few wee minor things.
Here goes:

The 1st one happened around January 2 years ago.
I was on a train.
Perfectly happy and content.
I was reading a book and as the train rolled into Rutherglen Station,
I was suddenly completely overcome with the thought:
“My body is shutting down and it’s happening RIGHT NOW!
This came from nowhere.
It felt like a major assault.

I panicked big time at a million miles a second.
There were folk all around me on the train and none of them knew what the hell was happening to me.
I couldn’t speak.
Or move.
I was completely convinced that my heart was about to stop there & then.
Or maybe, explode.

So, What could I do?
That’s what I could do!
I just sat welded to the seat and rolled my eyeballs to the window and thought about everything I’ve never done.
I also started to worry about dying worried.

My mind raced and raced.
Then, the strangest thing that’s ever happened to me happened.

I felt as if I was no longer in my body.
I felt like I was sitting behind myself.
Right behind myself.
It’s difficult to explain…I tried to find an image on Google that describes what happened to me on the train and this is the closest to it that I could find:

Out Of Body Experience

That’s pretty much how I felt except, I was completely seperate from myself.
No body.
No feeling of having a body.

That was a really scary feeling.
I felt like 2 people.
2 seperate Al’s!
One of me was in an utter panic while the other me was thinking about how interesting the sensation was.
Maybe…even, dare I say it, Enjoying it?
I did some research and apart from the cotton wool one,
I could tick every box on the Depersonalisation list: Here.

Well anyways,
The other me wasn’t enjoying it one bit and I was now preparing to be dead.
On the train.

By the time the train got to my stop,
Everything was waring off.
I felt drained and used by whatever this was.
I was shook up but no longer thinking about being dead.
My heart pounded but I was walking now.
Which, I figured, Was something to be pleased about.

Later that night, as I thought about it,
It seemed to start again.
But you can’t kid a kidder!
I quickly caught onto the fact that,
Whatever this was,
I could start it up again if I thought about it too deeply.
I thought to myself:
“Ah ha! I can control this! I win! I’m gonna be just fine!”

And, I was.

Until some months later when I passed through Rutherglen train station and it fucking got me again.
I wonder if the fact that the 1st one happened at this station had anything to do with it…

This time, I wasn’t outside or behind myself.
But, Out of the blue, My hands stopped working.
I dropped my book and couldn’t deal with the coins I had in my palm.
The coins fell to the floor and I was thinking:
“Okay. Great. Now I’m having a fucking stroke? Great.”

That went on and off like that for a few days so I went to the doctor.
She said that I had 2 very extreme anxiety attacks.
“What are those?” I said.
She asked me what was going on in my life.
I was busy, and, I suppose, stressed.
But, no more so than anyone else ever is.

She said that sometimes people don’t know how stressed they are and it can build and build until a person experiences what I did on the train.
I suppose that makes sense to me.

She also said that it’s controlable but it definately could happen again.
I heard what she was saying.
I read up some on it and from then on, I’ve been pretty much fine because I know a little more about it.

Looking back,
It was such an interesting experience.
It’s very unnerving to feel you don’t have a body.
It’s distressing to not be able to communicate.
I don’t think I want to feel that again.

Also, not being in control of your hands, That really distressed me.
I need em!
Both of them!
Lefty & Righty.

So that’s what happened to me.
And, Y’know,
I wasn’t gonna publish this but,
Somehow, It feels good to write about it.

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