A Mortician With Time To Kill.

A headline on Reddit recently caught my undivided attention and held it for days…

“I’m A Mortician With Time To Kill. Ask Me Anything.”

That title alone was amazing to me! The questions are mostly good and the answers are utterly fascinating! All of the answers are provided by an anonymous Mortician who works near Austin, Texas and if you’ve ever wondered what happens after you die then read on my friend because you’re in the right place!

…Before we do go on, here’s a photo of a mortician’s tools of the trade:

As fascinating as it all is, Reddit is still Reddit which meant that some of the questions asked were either really stupid or downright crazy and insulting but looking through all 3000 plus comments, the mortician pretty much gave an answer to every genuine question.

I decided to email him or her to ask if I could shape it all into the hopefully coherent blog post you’re now reading and with that, all that remains to be said is a big thank you to The Mortician! Whoever the hell you are!

“I’m A Mortician With Time To Kill. Ask Me Anything.”

Q. What is the strangest request that the deceased had wanted done for their service?

A. We had a dead clown one time. This person was buried in full clown costume with make-up and all. The whole family was clowns, all the friends were clowns. And at the family’s request, the funeral directors were clowns too. They supplied costume and did our make-up  Family and friends had 1 tear drop painted on near the eye. Definitely my strangest.

Q. Have you ever had to deal with children? What was it like?

A. Yes, I have embalmed many children from babies to toddlers and up. It never really bothered me. Probably because I didn’t have kids at the time. I’ve seen people get in this business with kids and absolutely cannot embalm or even attempt a child. I now have a 3 year old, but it hasn’t changed my ability to effectively prep a child.

Q. When you cremate someone, how often do the ashes from previous customers make it into the current customer’s mix?

A. There is some co-mingling involved, although very minimal. It is unavoidable, you can’t get every single grain out. As long as you sweep it properly after each person, it is very minimal.

Q. When you say farewell to somebody in public and shake their hand do you say “I’ll be seeing you”? If so, what is their reaction?

A. I’ve said it to elderly family members. “see ya soon!” I usually get a chuckle. Another fun thing is to carry a tailoring tape measure. If someone ever tries some stupid stunt or something, bust it out and start taking their measurements. Gets a laugh every time.

Q. I work in eye tissue donation. I’ve had people refuse because “They need them to see their loved ones when they get to heaven.” What exactly happens to the eyes during an embalming?

A. The eyes usually start to flatten after death. Think of an old grape. They do, however, remain with the decedent. We don’t remove them. You can use what is called an eye cap to put over the flattened eyeball to recreate the natural curvature of the eye. You can also inject tissue builder directly into the eyeball and fill it up. And sometimes, the embalming fluid will fill the eye to normal size.

Q. Have you ever seen the show Six Feet Under? If so, how realistic do you think their portrayal of funeral homes is?

A. I have seen every episode. I think they did a good job making it look real.

Q. Have/Will there ever be a job you refuse to do? ..like under any circumstances of the body/family/whatever?

A. I’ve seen pictures and have heard about people being embalmed and placed on a motorcycle, stood up in the corner, in a recliner. This all seems ridiculous and disrespectful to me. Especially if the deceased did not request it. I say I would refuse to do this to someone but who knows. I mean if the family really wants it.

Q. Awhile back, a fire-fighter posted a photo of the..erm…cork used to hold internal organs in. Do those giant cork things really exist, and do you really have to insert them?

A. I’d have to see a picture. They do make anal plugs that ‘screw’ in to prevent leakage. The anus and vagina are usually packed with surface embalming chems and cotton to help prevent leakage. Not everyone will leak from these areas though.

Q. Did you go into the business by choice?

A. Yes I did. I was fascinated by the industry as a kid. When I was 12, there was a bad head on collision near my house. A man in a truck didn’t make it. My family and I were standing around with all the other neighbors when the coroner arrived. He pronounced, then they took him out and put him on a stretcher, his head turned to the side looking straight at me. I remember being curious as to what happens to people when they die, as far as the physical body.

Q. Do funeral directors always slice the back of an outfit in half so it’s easier to slip on in two pieces?

A. It’s funeral director preference. I always slice the back of tshirts, shirts, and jackets. It just makes it easier to dress. I don’t like jostling around with the body incase they purge some fluids. You can get the pants on without cutting unless they are too small. I work with a guy that cuts nothing, I chuckle as he struggles with a body.

Q. What the most ‘interesting’ death that occurred to a person you mortified?

A. Lot’s of interesting deaths. I embalmed a man that was found dead, leaning over a balcony in the front of his house. It was October and with all his decorations, neighbors thought he also was a decoration. He was there for days. Another time there was an old couple walking down a main road. A truck drove by carrying sheet metal. One flew off near them and decapitated both of them.

Q. What was the grossest job you’ve had to do so far?

A. We had this house call one time. The lady was dead a while. On the couch all bloated as hell. When we started moving her, the abdomen busted. I had goo and maggots all over my leg.

Q. Ever had strange occurrences of a supernatural nature?

A. My first experience at work was when I first started my embalming career. I worked at an independent mortuary service. I had just started my shift and was using a restroom in the back. When I came out, I heard what sounded like a girl sobbing and the sound of feet shuffling around on the floor. The floor was kinda gravely and had a distinct sound if you scooted your feet on it. The sound was coming from around a corner that led into a small room where we would store embalmed bodies ready to be delivered to their respective funeral home. I figured someone was upset and crying. So I kinda snuck in, still hearing the sobbing. When I peaked around the corner, the room was empty. No living person in there. I noticed that there was only one body in there as well. A young girl. She shot herself in the side of the head. I wasn’t scared per say, but I’m pretty sure you could audibly hear my heart beat.

Q. Were you, at any point, disgusted with/by your job? If so, how did you get over it?

A. When you are new in this business, there will be a time when you step back and say, “what the fuck am I doing”. Mine was at mortuary school during embalming lab. The county would have their cases embalmed at the school for practice. The deceased was an autopsy and had no legs. I was just looking at her, autopsy incisions open, the empty cavity inside. Her hands looked as if to be gripping the edge of the table. Her mouth wide open because we hadn’t closed it yet. She looked like she was screaming silently in pain. That was my WTF moment, you get over it.

Q. Is it true that morticians hang bodies on a hook via a cut in the back of their neck?

A. No! But that would be awesome! j/k. It’s funny to me about exactly how little the general public knows about this industry. It’s a myth. People are embalmed on their backs. Another myth is that we cut off the legs of tall people so they fit in the casket. Our secret: put something under the legs so that the knees are bent.

Q. What does a dead body smell like and what exactly, as a mortician, do you do?

A. Depends on what happened to it. Burned bodies smell like burned meat, no different than if you burnt a steak. Electrocuted bodies have a sweet scent to them, reminds me of roasted marshmallow. Decomps can be really horrible to be around and if you’re around the long enough it will make you sick. -I am a licensed funeral director and embalmer. I make arrangements with families, I work on funeral services, I embalm all our bodies at the funeral home. I run errands, I take clergymen, hospice people out to lunch sometimes. There’s a lot to do.

Q. Hi! I hope you can still answer this. I recently came across this on Morbid Reality.

WARNING! EXTREMELY GRAPHIC!

These are pictures of a woman who committed suicide in a bathtub. My question is, how come her bone just “fell off” like that, after a few days?

A. I wouldn’t be a happy mortician responding to this call. I can smell her just looking at her. She is in an advanced stage of decomposition caused by the water she was in. Water will mess you up with a quickness. It was probably also summertime with no a/c. The leg just decayed enough where the tissue couldn’t hold the weight of the bone and it just fell off.

Q. How is business?

A. Dead.

Q. If a family member dies of natural causes (heart attack, old age, etc… and not suicide or murder) do I call the mortician or police or should I always call the police?

A. Always call the police first. They will contact the medical examiner, the medical examiner will determine to take the case or release it. If they were under a doctors care, the medical examiner will contact the doctor. If the doctor agrees to sign the death certificate, the medical examiner will release to the funeral home. the police will make the call.

Q. How do you like working with a bunch of stiffs?

A. The general public sometimes thinks we just sit around embalming dead bodies all day. Unless you are strictly an embalmer for a mortuary service, this is not the case. The actual embalming is a very small part of the big picture. Most of my time is spent with living, breathing, hurting people. And believe you me, the living is much more frightful than the dead.

Q. What are your best mortician’s jokes?

A. A man was caring for his wife on her deathbed. She pulls him in close, “honey, I have a confession”. the husband says, “sshhh, no confessions, it’s ok.” she says, “no, you don’t understand, I’ve slept with your brother and your father.” husband says, “I know you cunt, that’s why I poisoned you.”

Q. Do you guys really put spikes in the eyelids to keep them shut during showings?

A. No. the eyelids are glued to keep shut. Some eye-caps are slightly spiked, this is to help the eyelid stay closed.

Q. Have you ever tried using Worchestershire Sauce as embalming fluid to see what would happen?

A. Yes! Damn thing zombied out on us. Luckily the mouth was wired shut. We put it down pretty quickly though.

Q. What things make a funeral so damn expensive? Also why is cremation more expensive than being buried?

A. The first thing you must realize about a funeral home is that it is a business, and in business you must profit to stay in business. Even though we are in the business of helping people, it is not a charitable service. With that being said I will break down the GPL (General Price List)

One of the first costs you will see is for ‘basic services of funeral director and staff’ I have seen this cost from $1295 to as much as $7000. It includes, but is not limited to taxes, license fees, utilities, arrangement conference, preparation and filing of permits.

Embalming. $600 – $1595. If the deceased had an autopsy or donor, additional fees may apply.
Dressing, Casketing and Cosmetics. $100 – $200.
Facility, Staff and Equipment for visitation (per day). $200-$300.
Staff and equipment for funeral service $300-$500.
Removal vehicle and staff for initial call $300-$500.
Funeral coach or hearse. $300-$500.
Service utility vehicle/lead car. $100-$200.
Flower car and driver. $100-$200.
Casket. $1000-$6000.
Outer burial container/vault. $700-$10,000.
Clergy honorarium. $100-$300.
Cemetery plot. $1000-$6000.
Open and closing of grave. $600-$2000.
Motorcycle escorts. $100-$200 each.
Limousine. $300-$500.
Obituary in paper. $100-$1500.

Cremation should not be more expensive than burial. The only cremation service I could see getting expensive would be where you want your loved one physically present for the funeral service. We would then do the embalming and a rental casket is involved. The cremation would be scheduled sometime after the service.

Q. How much of a need is it to worry about getting sick from diseased bodies?

A. You can catch diseases from the dead. I use what is called ‘universal precautions’ treating every body as if it is infectious. I pretend that if I even touch their skin I’m gonna fucking die.

Final Words: I had a lot of fun with this. I hope I have helped dispel some myths and give you a clearer understanding of exactly what we do. And remember, we’re not the weird ones.. it’s you people.

Obviously all of the above was culled and boiled down from the original Reddit thread. If you’re interested in reading that, you can! – By clicking right HERE.

You May Also Be Interested In…
* What’s Wrong With This Picture?
* Home Decorating: Ed Gein Style
* Because Silence Is Sexy

Al Cook’s “Necropolis”: Cut Loose (Complete Version).

Good evening.

Originally intended as a 2 parter, my long lost and even longer awaited Necropolis horror comic strip installment “Cut Loose” is now available in its entirety and you can only find it by clicking right HERE.

Here are a few cropped images to temp you…

Al Cook’s “Necropolis”. Cut Loose: Part I.

Part II was supposed to be out long before now but I had conflicting ideas of where I wanted it to go.
Zip on over to Al Cook’s “Necropolis” to see Part I of ‘Cut Loose’ in all its glory and where Part II will appear in the not to distant future.

Oh aye!
Please become a pal on the Facebook Page because it’s pretty lonely over there.

Dead Flies.

A couple of weeks back I came home to find one of my favourite books lying on the floor with a fly mushed across the lovely dust jacket.
Yep, if a fly is unlucky enough to fly into my house and Anna is home then the fly can flaming well just forget it.

Me,the good guy, always takes the time to put flies and spiders under glass and then I walk down the 8 flights of stairs in my building and let ’em out!
I can frequently be seen at my door with my Outstanding Services To Wildlife medals on, shouting: “You’re free my friends!”

A Catholic upbringing was only useful for the guilt it forever brings me.
Anyways, some people don’t even give flies the quick death a hardback book will bring.
No, some people don’t even leave flies alone even after they’re dead…

 

Home Decorating: Ed Gein Style.

What are you doing here?
Are you some sort of sick maniac?
I’ll assume that you’re at least some sort of weirdo.
If you’re anyone else then…

WARNING!
This post contains some things which could potentially fuck you all the way up forever and if that doesn’t happen, you’re at least gonna see some very disturbing images so you should probably go away right now.

Still here?
What the hell’s the matter with you?
Okay never mind.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Let’s just get this freakshow on the road.

Today I’ll be showing you how to decorate your house in the style of everybody’s favourite insane necrophilic serial killer Momma’s boy, Ed Gein.

First of all, you will need a house.
This was Ed Gein’s Mother’s house in Plainfield Wisconsin and when she died, it was all Ed’s.

As you can see, Ed Gein’s house was an enormous farmhouse and you should bear this in mind when you buy yours because this allows for secret spaces which will come in handy later on.
But we’ll get to that.

Now what you want to do is dive straight in and commence your secret hobby of grave robbing and your descent into absolute madness in general.
Now don’t worry because even Ed Gein had to start at the start and grave robbing can be tricky at first.

First thing’s first: You have to decide who you’re gonna dig up.
Ed Gein began with his recently deceased Mother and that really is a good choice because you have that familiarity which you won’t necessarily have later on with other dead bodies.

You should be prepared.
Get yourself a van.
Any van will do so long as it has plenty of space in the back for tools and dead bodies and it’s not gonna break down outside the police station on the way home.

Obviously, you want to be doing this kind of stuff at night but don’t just assume that because it’s night, nobody will disturb you. Always be prepared to be taking home more than one body at a time and remember that you may have to bash someone’s head in with your shovel at a moment’s notice.

You will need some basic tools:
1 x hammer.
1 x chisel.
1 x shovel.
1 x gardeners rake.
1 x torch.
1 x cigarette lighter and/or matches.
You will also need rope, heavy duty plastic bags, bed sheets, gloves and a current driver’s license.

Actually, what am I talking about.
You probably know all of this.
I’m sorry. I’m just supposed to be telling you how to decorate your house and not how to do what you already know how to do. I just got carried away there so sorry if I came across as patronising.

Anyways.
So, you have your bodies back at the house.
You will no doubt be really busy what with the exhumed dead bodies and necrophilia and everything so you may not have the time for housework but that’s okay because Ed Gein kept a very messy household.
Ed Gein and Mr. Sheen were strangers.
Pay particular attention to paying no attention to the living room because this is generally the first focus point for the cops when they turn up to arrest you because it’s close to the front door.

Cobwebs are important because this shows that you stopped caring a LONG time ago!

Never throw anything away and become a hoarder of everything and anything.
Here’s a photo of Ed Gein’s living room for reference:

As you can see, the more cluttered and messy, the better and creepier it is.
The creepy element is incredibly important for shocking the life out of your neighbours when they turn up behind the cops to see just how fucked up and far gone you’ve been for all this time.
The look on their faces will be priceless.

You should make sure that you have a fridge freezer with a lot of space so you can put your chopped off heads in because as you know, left out at room temperature, things can get pretty horrible pretty quickly and hard to handle not to mention the black ooze which is nothing short of a total bitch to get out of your clothes.

If after a while, your fridge becomes too crowded you can take a leaf from the Ed Gein home DIY manual and make human face masks which can be stored in wooden boxes on the floor.

Okay, so now you’re well on your way to incarceration for the rest of your life so why not experiment?
You’ll be completely out of your mind at this stage but you should still be capable of whatever artistic talents you may have had prior.
In your spare time you should read up on taxidermy as this is particularly useful in making dead human face masks.

For Ed Gein, making human face masks was only the start and over time he honed his artistic talents and eventually wound up making full human ‘Women Suits’. Yep, by this point, all of Ed’s marbles were rolling around in his head and he’d prance around the house dressed in these ‘suits’ getting up to all kinds of crazy deranged necrophilic schizoid shit.

Gein was also a cannibal and unsurprisingly he was very creative when it came to making bowls to eat body part stew from. Check out these skull bowls he designed:

Making body part stew can be pretty messy work and although your entire house will now be a complete rundown gruesome hovel, you don’t want to keep getting your hands dirty.
Again it’s time to consult the Ed Gein home DIY manual for instructions on making…Tanned Human skin hand gloves!

Handy things to have I’m sure you’ll agree and all joking aside, those babys will last you a lifetime!
…Although, on second thought, they probably won’t allow you to have them in the mental hospital you’re going to while you wait out the days until the state has the time to put you in the electric chair.
Still though.

Apart from the kitchen, the room you’ll no doubt spend most of your time in will be the bedroom and because you’re utterly insane, you won’t give a dead rat’s ass about the condition of the place.

Take Ed Gein’s bedroom for instance.
It’s almost as if he knew that the films “Psycho”, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Silence Of The Lambs” would all be directly based on his demented life.

As we exit the house and make our way to the garage you should probably bear in mind that your cluttering and hoarding hard work has all been for nothing because your neighbours will no doubt show up in the dead of night and burn your entire house of horrors to the ground just like Ed Gein’s neighbours did to his place.

Your time on the rollercoaster is just about up Sonny Jim but before that; let’s take a look at the garage.
Your garage is where you’ll unload your bodies from the van and eventually where you’ll conduct some of your most twisted and sinister fucked up shit.
As per, make sure it’s a damned mess:

The police are well on their merry way to kicking your door down any day now and turning your lights out forever so you want to make sure that if you gotta go out, go with a horrifying sight which will shock the entire World so that fuck-ups like yourself will be stopped before they even start.

And what could do that better than a headless, hung upside down, gutted naked dead body of a Woman in the garage?
Probably nothing.

So that concludes our home decorating lesson Ed Gein style folks and I hope that it’s been of help to you.
Nobody normal likes a Mr. Messy and not a lot of people take too kindly to fucked up necrophilic cannibalistic serial killing evil sons of bitches either so in short:
Turn on that hoover once in a while.
Mop that floor every Sunday.
Clean those surfaces every two days.
Wash those windows and take out the trash whenever that bag gets near full.
But most of all…STAY AWAY FROM THAT DAMN GRAVEYARD!

Happy decorating everyone and be sure to tune in next time where I’ll be discussing just how to remove those stubborn stains.

For more information on all of the Ed Gein stuff not covered in this article, read THIS and remember,
Eddy loves ya!