Home Decorating: Ed Gein Style.

What are you doing here?
Are you some sort of sick maniac?
I’ll assume that you’re at least some sort of weirdo.
If you’re anyone else then…

This post contains some things which could potentially fuck you all the way up forever and if that doesn’t happen, you’re at least gonna see some very disturbing images so you should probably go away right now.

Still here?
What the hell’s the matter with you?
Okay never mind.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Let’s just get this freakshow on the road.

Today I’ll be showing you how to decorate your house in the style of everybody’s favourite insane necrophilic serial killer Momma’s boy, Ed Gein.

First of all, you will need a house.
This was Ed Gein’s Mother’s house in Plainfield Wisconsin and when she died, it was all Ed’s.

As you can see, Ed Gein’s house was an enormous farmhouse and you should bear this in mind when you buy yours because this allows for secret spaces which will come in handy later on.
But we’ll get to that.

Now what you want to do is dive straight in and commence your secret hobby of grave robbing and your descent into absolute madness in general.
Now don’t worry because even Ed Gein had to start at the start and grave robbing can be tricky at first.

First thing’s first: You have to decide who you’re gonna dig up.
Ed Gein began with his recently deceased Mother and that really is a good choice because you have that familiarity which you won’t necessarily have later on with other dead bodies.

You should be prepared.
Get yourself a van.
Any van will do so long as it has plenty of space in the back for tools and dead bodies and it’s not gonna break down outside the police station on the way home.

Obviously, you want to be doing this kind of stuff at night but don’t just assume that because it’s night, nobody will disturb you. Always be prepared to be taking home more than one body at a time and remember that you may have to bash someone’s head in with your shovel at a moment’s notice.

You will need some basic tools:
1 x hammer.
1 x chisel.
1 x shovel.
1 x gardeners rake.
1 x torch.
1 x cigarette lighter and/or matches.
You will also need rope, heavy duty plastic bags, bed sheets, gloves and a current driver’s license.

Actually, what am I talking about.
You probably know all of this.
I’m sorry. I’m just supposed to be telling you how to decorate your house and not how to do what you already know how to do. I just got carried away there so sorry if I came across as patronising.

So, you have your bodies back at the house.
You will no doubt be really busy what with the exhumed dead bodies and necrophilia and everything so you may not have the time for housework but that’s okay because Ed Gein kept a very messy household.
Ed Gein and Mr. Sheen were strangers.
Pay particular attention to paying no attention to the living room because this is generally the first focus point for the cops when they turn up to arrest you because it’s close to the front door.

Cobwebs are important because this shows that you stopped caring a LONG time ago!

Never throw anything away and become a hoarder of everything and anything.
Here’s a photo of Ed Gein’s living room for reference:

As you can see, the more cluttered and messy, the better and creepier it is.
The creepy element is incredibly important for shocking the life out of your neighbours when they turn up behind the cops to see just how fucked up and far gone you’ve been for all this time.
The look on their faces will be priceless.

You should make sure that you have a fridge freezer with a lot of space so you can put your chopped off heads in because as you know, left out at room temperature, things can get pretty horrible pretty quickly and hard to handle not to mention the black ooze which is nothing short of a total bitch to get out of your clothes.

If after a while, your fridge becomes too crowded you can take a leaf from the Ed Gein home DIY manual and make human face masks which can be stored in wooden boxes on the floor.

Okay, so now you’re well on your way to incarceration for the rest of your life so why not experiment?
You’ll be completely out of your mind at this stage but you should still be capable of whatever artistic talents you may have had prior.
In your spare time you should read up on taxidermy as this is particularly useful in making dead human face masks.

For Ed Gein, making human face masks was only the start and over time he honed his artistic talents and eventually wound up making full human ‘Women Suits’. Yep, by this point, all of Ed’s marbles were rolling around in his head and he’d prance around the house dressed in these ‘suits’ getting up to all kinds of crazy deranged necrophilic schizoid shit.

Gein was also a cannibal and unsurprisingly he was very creative when it came to making bowls to eat body part stew from. Check out these skull bowls he designed:

Making body part stew can be pretty messy work and although your entire house will now be a complete rundown gruesome hovel, you don’t want to keep getting your hands dirty.
Again it’s time to consult the Ed Gein home DIY manual for instructions on making…Tanned Human skin hand gloves!

Handy things to have I’m sure you’ll agree and all joking aside, those babys will last you a lifetime!
…Although, on second thought, they probably won’t allow you to have them in the mental hospital you’re going to while you wait out the days until the state has the time to put you in the electric chair.
Still though.

Apart from the kitchen, the room you’ll no doubt spend most of your time in will be the bedroom and because you’re utterly insane, you won’t give a dead rat’s ass about the condition of the place.

Take Ed Gein’s bedroom for instance.
It’s almost as if he knew that the films “Psycho”, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Silence Of The Lambs” would all be directly based on his demented life.

As we exit the house and make our way to the garage you should probably bear in mind that your cluttering and hoarding hard work has all been for nothing because your neighbours will no doubt show up in the dead of night and burn your entire house of horrors to the ground just like Ed Gein’s neighbours did to his place.

Your time on the rollercoaster is just about up Sonny Jim but before that; let’s take a look at the garage.
Your garage is where you’ll unload your bodies from the van and eventually where you’ll conduct some of your most twisted and sinister fucked up shit.
As per, make sure it’s a damned mess:

The police are well on their merry way to kicking your door down any day now and turning your lights out forever so you want to make sure that if you gotta go out, go with a horrifying sight which will shock the entire World so that fuck-ups like yourself will be stopped before they even start.

And what could do that better than a headless, hung upside down, gutted naked dead body of a Woman in the garage?
Probably nothing.

So that concludes our home decorating lesson Ed Gein style folks and I hope that it’s been of help to you.
Nobody normal likes a Mr. Messy and not a lot of people take too kindly to fucked up necrophilic cannibalistic serial killing evil sons of bitches either so in short:
Turn on that hoover once in a while.
Mop that floor every Sunday.
Clean those surfaces every two days.
Wash those windows and take out the trash whenever that bag gets near full.

Happy decorating everyone and be sure to tune in next time where I’ll be discussing just how to remove those stubborn stains.

For more information on all of the Ed Gein stuff not covered in this article, read THIS and remember,
Eddy loves ya!

The Polishing & Scrubbing Of Robocop.

I watched “Robocop” last night.

This film came out in 1987 and that year seems like yesterday to me but watching it again proves that 1987 was in fact, a very long time ago.

I loved this film then and I love it now.
I was all ready to write about the dead on social commentary it provided of the times.
I was ready to talk about the wit of the film.
I wanted to talk about the completely over the top excessive, cartoon violence of the film.
In short,
I just wanted to explain why this film is a big shiny metal classic to me.

But no.
I’ve decided to tell you about something else instead.

A sign of the sad and depressing, joyless, politically correct world we now walk around in.

I hate censorship.
If you read this blog, you’ve probably noticed.

I’m very against censorship and “Robocop” has been heavily censored over the years.
Try to catch it on the T.V. sometime, the results are hilarious!

FUCK ME!” becomes “WHY ME!“,

But anyways,
I was digging around the internet and found a “Scrubbed” version of “Robocop”.
Know what “Scrubbed” means?

Do you see my problem here?

I mean,
“Robocop” is pretty much all violence and profanity.
The violence is central to the plot and yet here’s some guy offering to “Scrub” this film of all those bad sweary words and remove all of those big bad guns for you.

And the funniest thing is,
It’s not even a joke!
This guy is serious about this scrubbing buisness and he puts the results up online.

My first thought was:
“HAHA! ‘Robocop’ with no violence!? That’ll be about 3 minutes long”.

And folks,
It pretty much is.

This guy even lists his scrubbed version as the Director’s Cut.
That’s just cheeky 🙂

Here’s a screen shot of what this “Scrubber” guy does to films:

Before you say “AL! That’s Fucking Ridiculous!”,
This guy has also “Scrubbed” many more films.

Here’s a list of some of the other films he has “edited to remove profanity, nudity and excessive violence“:

The Terminator“.
Back To The Future“.
Jurassic Park“.
Total Recall“.
Shaun Of The Dead“.

The list goes on but I can’t because it’s too ridiculous. 🙂

‘Do You Two Know Each Other?’

I’ve worked some dead end jobs in my time.
We all have haven’t we?

Some of them were great.
Some of them made me want to stick an envelope opener into my ear.
Some of them were both.
I suppose all of them were experience.

I’m working long hours these days and it’s reminding me of when I was in my early 20’s.

At that time,
I was studying illustration during the day and working a go nowhere job at night in a 24 hour shop on Sauchiehall Street.

I ended up as a Supervisor because I was stupid enough to accept the job offer and the unsociable hours.

No one wanted this job.
What 20 Year old student wants to work night shifts in Glasgow on Thursdays,
Fridays, Saturdays & Sundays?

I did it for a long time.

This shop was smack bang in the centre of crazy street.
It was surrounded and infested by:
Clubs, Drugs, Hotels, Casinos, Beggars, Thieves, Junkies, Hookers,
Drunks and Batman.
(We’ll get to Batman later folks).

Heh heh…It made me understand Travis Bickle‘s murder spree.

This shop was supposed to be staffed by 8 people and a security guard.
‘Supposed to be’.

In reality,
There was Janette (66 Years old) & A young guy who sometimes showed up for work.
Then there was me in charge of the place.
There we all were.
On the night shift.

The fucking stress of that place.
It was never not full of crazies.
Not once.

I never served anyone in there who wasn’t drunk as fuck.
Not once.
The most genuinely okay people I knew back then were bouncers and hookers.
I still know and like some of them.

I remember one night in particular.

I’d just thrown some guy out for spitting in Janette’s face.
This guy was an evil crazy cuckoo bastard of a man.
Luckily for me he was off his face and trying to climb into his own mouth.
That made getting him out a wee bit easier.

He’s sitting on the street howling at the moon and I’m smoking,
I’m looking at him just incase he decides to go through with the stabbing he’s threatened me with.

Across the road I had my eye on 2 guys punching each other in the face.
‘C’mon Motherfucker!’
This was my night shift equivalent of a lunch break and I deserved some entertainment.
So I decided to watch.

These guys had just been thrown ‘1800’s Saloon style’ out from the Casino across the road.
They’re knocking lumps out of each other.
Neither one backs down.
They’re both Hulks.

The ‘360 Degree’ CCTV Camera mounted on the pole in the street actually turns away from them.
I watched it turn away in ‘Seen it all, bought the T-Shirt, Can’t be bothered, Put the kettle on’ style.

These guys are now at the stage where they have their shirts and belts off.
They’re smacking each other in the face with the buckles.
Macho shit.
I could hear the ‘Thwuck’ sound of ‘Metal buckle meets face’ all the way across the road.

It was hilarious to see.
It ended with 2 smashed faces,
Some whimpering,
Blood & bits of teeth on the pavement and a cold bed for both courtesy of Pitt Street Station.

That was the end of my entertainment I thought.

I went back into the shop and found the obvious:

Batman taking a piss on all of my morning Newspapers.

(In reality, Some student dressed up as Batman who thought he was being funny).
He didn’t even have the decency to be dressed as the cool Batman either.
This prick was in the Adam West gear.

To be fair,
Looking back now,
It’s funny.
But not then.
At the time…

I lost it.


First thing I did was lock the door.
I didn’t want this pointy eared emblem wearing son of a fuck going anywhere.

The police turned up and saw us inside.

I unlocked the front door and faced the fuzz.

‘Are you in charge here?’

Me: ‘I was…’

‘What’s all the shouting about?’

Me: ‘Look Officer. It’s 5 to 4 in the morning and as you can see,
Batman here has obviously confused himself with The Joker ‘cause he’s just pissed all over my fucking Newspapers!’

‘Okay, okay, we’ll take it from here’.

So the 5-0 escorts Batman outside.
I follow them out and then!
Who do I see taking a piss in the street?
Fucking Robin.

I swear on my life that the Police Officer (who had Batman cuffed) went up to Robin (Mid-Piss) and in all seriousness said:

‘Do you two know each other?’

Ruining Original Movie Artwork: II.

I can only apologise for how geeky I’m about to sound.

Sod it.
It’s my blog and I can write what I bloody well want so just be quiet folks.

This obviously picks up where my last post ended.

So where was I?

Original movie artwork and how it gets cheapened and changed and occasionally spoils the plot of the movie itself.

Let’s look at a wee horror flick from the 1980’s called “Child’s Play“.
The film is basically about a serial killer who (Wait for it)…
Transfers his soul into a doll and goes on a massive murderous revenge spree with a 6 year old boy whose body he wants to possess.

I just read that back to myself.

As hard as it is to believe,
“Child’s Play” was a decent horror film at the time and nothing like the bad joke it’s become these days.
No seriously.
It was!
Watch the trailer HERE.

I remember seeing a poster for it somewhere when I was a kid and really wanting to see it.
It looked like this:


From that poster I thought:
* Whose eyes are those?
* Why are they so wide open?
* What’s that lightning all about?
* Why has that woman fallen from that high building?
* Was she pushed?
* Why is it called “Child’s Play”?
* I’d better see this and find out.
* Wonder if my folks will let me watch it.
* Fuck it. My Aunt Heather will definitely let me watch it.

That all came from the poster.
Somewhere along the years the artwork was slightly changed:


That was fine.
There was still a bit of mystery about the plot.
Who was the killer?

I remember playground rumours about this film and some folks thought there was gonna be a massive twist in the plot and the 6 year old boy would be the killer instead of the doll..

Looking back,
That would have been a great idea.

Some years roll by and the film comes to DVD.
Now it looks like this:


Plot completely fucked.
Now we know it’s about a killer doll and we know what it looks like too.

Few years after that and the film has an “Anniversary” Edition.
Now it just looks completely silly and pretty cheaply made:


I’m not trying to make out that this film is a masterpiece because it isn’t.
All I’m saying is that if I was in charge of the people handling the design of the packaging,
They’d all be fired for that.
Heh heh.

(I’d also fire the people who did THIS).

That’s the end of my geeky rants for today.

To say that I will never appear so geeky on here again would be to lie.

An Introduction…

Alan Cook.
That’s me.

I’m 26 and I’m an Illustrator & musician from Bellshill which is just outside of Glasgow, Scotland.

I have a few other pages dotted about the place.

And here they are:


I will be using this blog to generally express myself and I’ll try my best to update it at least weekly.

Cheerio for now folks!

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