Eye Tests Have Changed A Lot Since I Was Wee.

It used to be that I’d dread getting my eyes tested. This was because I knew I couldn’t see properly and I knew that the optician would probably notice this and I’d have to wear stupid glasses for the rest of my life. It’s tough being 6.

To stop this from happening, I’d try to memorise as much of the eye chart as possible on my way in to the room because it was pinned up right by the door. It worked for a wee while but soon I was rumbled and that was me prescribed glasses.

I remember the optician saying “You have astigmatism. That means that one of your eyes is shaped like a rugby ball instead of a football, young man. Do you like football?”. I hated that guy. And then he said, “Wear these glasses when you’re at school and when you’re reading and you probably won’t even need them at all as an adult.”

I threw them in a hedge a few days later.

I need to wear glasses all the time now. I cannae see for shit and looking at the sky on an overcast day is torture even with tints.

I went for an eye test yesterday and was amazed at the technological advances even though it’s only been two years since I was last checked.

When they shone light into my eyes I saw blood going through my blood vessels in my eyes. I’d never seen that before. It was like tripping. I told the optician, “I wish I had a photo of what I can see right now.”

It was impossible to get a photo of what I was seeing, of course. However, I did get the two pictures they took of my eyeballs.

Here they are here >>>

A Mortician With Time To Kill.

A headline on Reddit recently caught my undivided attention and held it for days…

“I’m A Mortician With Time To Kill. Ask Me Anything.”

That title alone was amazing to me! The questions are mostly good and the answers are utterly fascinating! All of the answers are provided by an anonymous Mortician who works near Austin, Texas and if you’ve ever wondered what happens after you die then read on my friend because you’re in the right place!

…Before we do go on, here’s a photo of a mortician’s tools of the trade:

As fascinating as it all is, Reddit is still Reddit which meant that some of the questions asked were either really stupid or downright crazy and insulting but looking through all 3000 plus comments, the mortician pretty much gave an answer to every genuine question.

I decided to email him or her to ask if I could shape it all into the hopefully coherent blog post you’re now reading and with that, all that remains to be said is a big thank you to The Mortician! Whoever the hell you are!

“I’m A Mortician With Time To Kill. Ask Me Anything.”

Q. What is the strangest request that the deceased had wanted done for their service?

A. We had a dead clown one time. This person was buried in full clown costume with make-up and all. The whole family was clowns, all the friends were clowns. And at the family’s request, the funeral directors were clowns too. They supplied costume and did our make-up  Family and friends had 1 tear drop painted on near the eye. Definitely my strangest.

Q. Have you ever had to deal with children? What was it like?

A. Yes, I have embalmed many children from babies to toddlers and up. It never really bothered me. Probably because I didn’t have kids at the time. I’ve seen people get in this business with kids and absolutely cannot embalm or even attempt a child. I now have a 3 year old, but it hasn’t changed my ability to effectively prep a child.

Q. When you cremate someone, how often do the ashes from previous customers make it into the current customer’s mix?

A. There is some co-mingling involved, although very minimal. It is unavoidable, you can’t get every single grain out. As long as you sweep it properly after each person, it is very minimal.

Q. When you say farewell to somebody in public and shake their hand do you say “I’ll be seeing you”? If so, what is their reaction?

A. I’ve said it to elderly family members. “see ya soon!” I usually get a chuckle. Another fun thing is to carry a tailoring tape measure. If someone ever tries some stupid stunt or something, bust it out and start taking their measurements. Gets a laugh every time.

Q. I work in eye tissue donation. I’ve had people refuse because “They need them to see their loved ones when they get to heaven.” What exactly happens to the eyes during an embalming?

A. The eyes usually start to flatten after death. Think of an old grape. They do, however, remain with the decedent. We don’t remove them. You can use what is called an eye cap to put over the flattened eyeball to recreate the natural curvature of the eye. You can also inject tissue builder directly into the eyeball and fill it up. And sometimes, the embalming fluid will fill the eye to normal size.

Q. Have you ever seen the show Six Feet Under? If so, how realistic do you think their portrayal of funeral homes is?

A. I have seen every episode. I think they did a good job making it look real.

Q. Have/Will there ever be a job you refuse to do? ..like under any circumstances of the body/family/whatever?

A. I’ve seen pictures and have heard about people being embalmed and placed on a motorcycle, stood up in the corner, in a recliner. This all seems ridiculous and disrespectful to me. Especially if the deceased did not request it. I say I would refuse to do this to someone but who knows. I mean if the family really wants it.

Q. Awhile back, a fire-fighter posted a photo of the..erm…cork used to hold internal organs in. Do those giant cork things really exist, and do you really have to insert them?

A. I’d have to see a picture. They do make anal plugs that ‘screw’ in to prevent leakage. The anus and vagina are usually packed with surface embalming chems and cotton to help prevent leakage. Not everyone will leak from these areas though.

Q. Did you go into the business by choice?

A. Yes I did. I was fascinated by the industry as a kid. When I was 12, there was a bad head on collision near my house. A man in a truck didn’t make it. My family and I were standing around with all the other neighbors when the coroner arrived. He pronounced, then they took him out and put him on a stretcher, his head turned to the side looking straight at me. I remember being curious as to what happens to people when they die, as far as the physical body.

Q. Do funeral directors always slice the back of an outfit in half so it’s easier to slip on in two pieces?

A. It’s funeral director preference. I always slice the back of tshirts, shirts, and jackets. It just makes it easier to dress. I don’t like jostling around with the body incase they purge some fluids. You can get the pants on without cutting unless they are too small. I work with a guy that cuts nothing, I chuckle as he struggles with a body.

Q. What the most ‘interesting’ death that occurred to a person you mortified?

A. Lot’s of interesting deaths. I embalmed a man that was found dead, leaning over a balcony in the front of his house. It was October and with all his decorations, neighbors thought he also was a decoration. He was there for days. Another time there was an old couple walking down a main road. A truck drove by carrying sheet metal. One flew off near them and decapitated both of them.

Q. What was the grossest job you’ve had to do so far?

A. We had this house call one time. The lady was dead a while. On the couch all bloated as hell. When we started moving her, the abdomen busted. I had goo and maggots all over my leg.

Q. Ever had strange occurrences of a supernatural nature?

A. My first experience at work was when I first started my embalming career. I worked at an independent mortuary service. I had just started my shift and was using a restroom in the back. When I came out, I heard what sounded like a girl sobbing and the sound of feet shuffling around on the floor. The floor was kinda gravely and had a distinct sound if you scooted your feet on it. The sound was coming from around a corner that led into a small room where we would store embalmed bodies ready to be delivered to their respective funeral home. I figured someone was upset and crying. So I kinda snuck in, still hearing the sobbing. When I peaked around the corner, the room was empty. No living person in there. I noticed that there was only one body in there as well. A young girl. She shot herself in the side of the head. I wasn’t scared per say, but I’m pretty sure you could audibly hear my heart beat.

Q. Were you, at any point, disgusted with/by your job? If so, how did you get over it?

A. When you are new in this business, there will be a time when you step back and say, “what the fuck am I doing”. Mine was at mortuary school during embalming lab. The county would have their cases embalmed at the school for practice. The deceased was an autopsy and had no legs. I was just looking at her, autopsy incisions open, the empty cavity inside. Her hands looked as if to be gripping the edge of the table. Her mouth wide open because we hadn’t closed it yet. She looked like she was screaming silently in pain. That was my WTF moment, you get over it.

Q. Is it true that morticians hang bodies on a hook via a cut in the back of their neck?

A. No! But that would be awesome! j/k. It’s funny to me about exactly how little the general public knows about this industry. It’s a myth. People are embalmed on their backs. Another myth is that we cut off the legs of tall people so they fit in the casket. Our secret: put something under the legs so that the knees are bent.

Q. What does a dead body smell like and what exactly, as a mortician, do you do?

A. Depends on what happened to it. Burned bodies smell like burned meat, no different than if you burnt a steak. Electrocuted bodies have a sweet scent to them, reminds me of roasted marshmallow. Decomps can be really horrible to be around and if you’re around the long enough it will make you sick. -I am a licensed funeral director and embalmer. I make arrangements with families, I work on funeral services, I embalm all our bodies at the funeral home. I run errands, I take clergymen, hospice people out to lunch sometimes. There’s a lot to do.

Q. Hi! I hope you can still answer this. I recently came across this on Morbid Reality.

WARNING! EXTREMELY GRAPHIC!

These are pictures of a woman who committed suicide in a bathtub. My question is, how come her bone just “fell off” like that, after a few days?

A. I wouldn’t be a happy mortician responding to this call. I can smell her just looking at her. She is in an advanced stage of decomposition caused by the water she was in. Water will mess you up with a quickness. It was probably also summertime with no a/c. The leg just decayed enough where the tissue couldn’t hold the weight of the bone and it just fell off.

Q. How is business?

A. Dead.

Q. If a family member dies of natural causes (heart attack, old age, etc… and not suicide or murder) do I call the mortician or police or should I always call the police?

A. Always call the police first. They will contact the medical examiner, the medical examiner will determine to take the case or release it. If they were under a doctors care, the medical examiner will contact the doctor. If the doctor agrees to sign the death certificate, the medical examiner will release to the funeral home. the police will make the call.

Q. How do you like working with a bunch of stiffs?

A. The general public sometimes thinks we just sit around embalming dead bodies all day. Unless you are strictly an embalmer for a mortuary service, this is not the case. The actual embalming is a very small part of the big picture. Most of my time is spent with living, breathing, hurting people. And believe you me, the living is much more frightful than the dead.

Q. What are your best mortician’s jokes?

A. A man was caring for his wife on her deathbed. She pulls him in close, “honey, I have a confession”. the husband says, “sshhh, no confessions, it’s ok.” she says, “no, you don’t understand, I’ve slept with your brother and your father.” husband says, “I know you cunt, that’s why I poisoned you.”

Q. Do you guys really put spikes in the eyelids to keep them shut during showings?

A. No. the eyelids are glued to keep shut. Some eye-caps are slightly spiked, this is to help the eyelid stay closed.

Q. Have you ever tried using Worchestershire Sauce as embalming fluid to see what would happen?

A. Yes! Damn thing zombied out on us. Luckily the mouth was wired shut. We put it down pretty quickly though.

Q. What things make a funeral so damn expensive? Also why is cremation more expensive than being buried?

A. The first thing you must realize about a funeral home is that it is a business, and in business you must profit to stay in business. Even though we are in the business of helping people, it is not a charitable service. With that being said I will break down the GPL (General Price List)

One of the first costs you will see is for ‘basic services of funeral director and staff’ I have seen this cost from $1295 to as much as $7000. It includes, but is not limited to taxes, license fees, utilities, arrangement conference, preparation and filing of permits.

Embalming. $600 – $1595. If the deceased had an autopsy or donor, additional fees may apply.
Dressing, Casketing and Cosmetics. $100 – $200.
Facility, Staff and Equipment for visitation (per day). $200-$300.
Staff and equipment for funeral service $300-$500.
Removal vehicle and staff for initial call $300-$500.
Funeral coach or hearse. $300-$500.
Service utility vehicle/lead car. $100-$200.
Flower car and driver. $100-$200.
Casket. $1000-$6000.
Outer burial container/vault. $700-$10,000.
Clergy honorarium. $100-$300.
Cemetery plot. $1000-$6000.
Open and closing of grave. $600-$2000.
Motorcycle escorts. $100-$200 each.
Limousine. $300-$500.
Obituary in paper. $100-$1500.

Cremation should not be more expensive than burial. The only cremation service I could see getting expensive would be where you want your loved one physically present for the funeral service. We would then do the embalming and a rental casket is involved. The cremation would be scheduled sometime after the service.

Q. How much of a need is it to worry about getting sick from diseased bodies?

A. You can catch diseases from the dead. I use what is called ‘universal precautions’ treating every body as if it is infectious. I pretend that if I even touch their skin I’m gonna fucking die.

Final Words: I had a lot of fun with this. I hope I have helped dispel some myths and give you a clearer understanding of exactly what we do. And remember, we’re not the weird ones.. it’s you people.

Obviously all of the above was culled and boiled down from the original Reddit thread. If you’re interested in reading that, you can! – By clicking right HERE.

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Dead Bodies On Mount Everest.

Meet “Green Boots”.

“Green Boots” is just one of the 200 or so dead bodies on Mount Everest’s ‘Death Zone’ and because the recovery of  corpses like Green Boots is pretty much impossible, each one like him is named and used as a landmark on the Death Zone.

Climbers attempting to reach Everest’s summit will typically spend substantial time within the ‘Death Zone’ (altitudes higher than 8,000 metres (26,000 ft)), and face significant challenges to survival.

Temperatures can dip so low in the Death Zone that any part of the human body exposed to the air can result in instant frostbite. Another major threat to climbers is the atmospheric pressure which at the top of Mount Everest, is about a third of sea level pressure or 0.333 standard atmospheres, resulting in the availability of only about a third as much oxygen as normal to breathe. A lot of the people lying in the Death Zone simply went to sleep and never woke up.

Although, who’d want to?

The extreme weather conditions on Everest mean that a lot of the bodies are discovered showing little signs of decay…

This is George Mallory:

George Herbert Leigh Mallory was an English mountaineer who took part in the first three British expeditions to Mount Everest in the early 1920s.

During the 1924 British Mount Everest Expedition, Mallory and his climbing partner Andrew “Sandy” Irvine both disappeared somewhere high on the North-East ridge during their attempt to make the first ascent of the world’s highest mountain. The pair’s last known sighting was only a few hundred metres from the summit.

Mallory’s ultimate fate was unknown for 75 years, until his body was discovered in 1999 by an expedition that had set out to search for the climbers’ remains. Whether or not Mallory and Irvine reached the summit before they died remains a subject of speculation and continuing research.

This is how George Mallory looks these days:

Climbers on Everest often stumble upon injured men and woman along the way but have no way of helping them because of the location and the dangerous conditions and so, there is no choice but to leave them to die. Two climbers once stumbled upon one such unfortunate woman who yelled at them “Please don’t leave me!” The climbers promised the woman that they would return whilst knowing that there was no way they possibly could.

Consumed with guilt and after spending many years saving money, the climbers returned to the woman and gave her a proper burial.

This is not her:

It can cost anything between $25k and $6ok to make a trip to the summit of Mount Everest and many Everest climbers have said that the hardest part is passing all of the graves and human remains.

And who can blame them?

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Daniel Fitzpatrick: Portrait Artist.

On the walls of the building I work in there are many great works of art.
You can see and read about four of them by clicking HERE.

Although I really like a lot of the paintings on the walls, I always find myself staring at a wee flyer which is pinned to a notice board in a corner of our staff tea room.
It’s by a colleague (And pal) of mine and as I’m sure you’ll agree, it’s stunning…

Painted by Glasgow Portrait Artist Daniel Fitzpatrick, it’s just one example of his amazing talent.

I’m pretty sure that I’m going to steal the flyer from the notice board in work in a few days because to be quite honest, I usually stare at it for an hour every day instead of actually having lunch.
I’m wasting away because of this painting!

I’m one of those people who constantly says: “Ach, I wish I could paint” because I really can’t paint but I’m not one of those people who doesn’t try to paint.
My problem is that none of my paintings ever turn out anywhere near as good as this:

Check out Danny’s website HERE.

The Story Of Charles Joughin.

And who is Charles Joughin?
Well, sit back and I’ll tell you all about him.

Charles Joughin was the chief baker aboard The RMS Titanic and April 15th, 2012 marks the 100th Anniversary of the disaster.

When Joughin found out that the ship was going down, he did what most of us would do when faced with an icy horrible death;
He stuffed his pockets full of tobacco and then got completely shit-faced on whisky!

During the sinking of The Titanic, Joughin and the other chefs assigned themselves the task of bringing food and supplies to put aboard the lifeboats. Along with stewards and other seamen, Joughin helped ladies and children onto the lifeboats, although, after a while, the women on deck ran away from the boat saying they were safer aboard The Titanic. He then went on to A Deck and forcibly brought up women and children and threw them into the lifeboat.

Charles was in no mood to mess around.

After knocking back a place for himself on one of the lifeboats, Joughin returned to his cabin where he hit the bottle. Later, he appeared up on the boat deck where he found that all of the lifeboats had been lowered so he decided to go down onto the B Deck promenade where he threw about fifty deck chairs overboard so that they could be used as floatation devices by people in the freezing waters.

Charles Joughin was the very last person to get off The Titanic and he got off with style.

This picture depicts The Titanic’s final moments and at this point, Joughin was at the topmost part of the ship.

He was on the outside of the ship, holding onto a safety railing and instead of dying from fright and a massive heart attack there and then, he rode the ship down like an elevator!

Joughin merely stepped off of The Titanic, into the water and by his own account, didn’t even get his hair wet!

The bad news was that he was now in the -2 degree Atlantic Ocean where the maximum life expectancy in those conditions on that night was 45 minutes but the good news was that he was completely hammered on account of all the booze he’d drank!
YAY!

It is generally thought that Joughin survived in the water for almost 3 hours because of the alcohol in his system.
3 HOURS!

He swam around and treaded water until daylight where he spotted an upturned collapsible lifeboat with Second Officer Charles Lightoller and around twenty five other men standing on the side of the boat. He slowly swam towards it, but there was no room for him. A cook, Isaac Maynard, recognised him and held his hand as the Chief Baker held onto the side of the boat, with his feet and legs still in the water. Another lifeboat then appeared and Joughin swam to it and was taken in, where he stayed until he boarded The RMS Carpathia which rescued him.

Here is a photo of the upturned collapsible lifeboat that Charles Joughin clung to being found by The CS Mackay-Bennett:

In a letter to Walter Lord, author of “A Night To Remember“, Joughin recalled his experience of The Titanic disaster:

“Mr Walter Lord
Dear Sir,
Some secretaries brought to my notice your very splendid article “A Night to Remember” in the current issue of “The Ladies Home Journal.”

Most written accounts were hair-raising scenes which did not actually occur, except in the last few moments when those left behind made a mad rush towards what they considered a safer place, the Poop Deck. Fortunately I was all alone, when the big list to port occurred. I was able to straddle the Starboard rail (on A deck) and stepped off as the ship went under. I had expected suction of some kind, but felt none. At no time was my head underwater. just kept moving my arms and legs and kept in an upright position. No trick at all with a left-belt on.Your account of the upturned collapsible with Col.Gracie aboard was very correct. Most of the crew, were familiar with life boat and Fire stations as they had manned the “Olympic” (a sister ship) previously. Some curious things are done at a time like this. Why did I lock the heavy iron door of the Bakery, stuff the heavy keys in my pocket, alongside two cakes of hard tobacco.

My conclusions of cause: Grave error on part of Captain Smith kept course in spite of ice warnings and severe drop in temperature from 5 P.M.
Loss of life: life boat shortage, for the number of passengers and crew, but many more could have been saved, had the women obeyed orders. In those circumstances the crew are helpless.”

After surviving The Titanic, Joughin returned to England and was one of the crew members who reported to testify at the British Inquiry headed by the Viscount Mersey. In 1920, he moved permanently to the United States to Paterson, New Jersey and according to his obituary he was also on board the SS Oregon when it sank in Boston Harbour. He also served on ships operated by the American Export Lines as well as on World War II troop transports before retiring in 1944.

Joughin was invited to describe his experiences of The Titanic disaster in a chapter of Walter Lord’s book, “A Night To Remember”.

Charles Joughin died after a bout of pneumonia in Paterson, New Jersey on December 9th, 1956.
He was 78.

Sources:
http://www.titanicuniverse.com
http://www.wikipedia.org
http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk

You may also be interested in:

* “The Titanic Disaster” By J.H. McKenzie.
*  Gin & Titonic.