Homesick For A Place That Ain’t Even Home.

So that’s me back from New York City.
I took several big bites outta The Big Apple and it tastes sweet!

I was over there for only one week and it went past in lightning time.
This was my 3rd time over there and now it’s all over.

I’ve got the ‘came back from New York 2 days ago’ blues.
I’m bluer than Joni Mitchell’s blue face on the cover of her album “Blue“, playing the blues on a blue guitar from Picasso’s blue period with my face painted blue in front row seats watching Blue Man Group whilst punching Anthony Costa‘s face in 😦

One day you’re standing on the corner of 34th and 8th then…WHOOSH!
Next thing you know you’re standing in the middle of Duke Street with a what the hell just happened look on your face.

I’m tired as hell.
I’ve pretty much been up for a whole week and 3 hours after my plane landed back in Glasgow,
I went out on the town to see the terrifying stand up comedy of Jerry Sadowitz.

Needless to say I had the time of my life over in New York.
It feels like home more than home feels like home.
Out all day doing all kinds of interesting things and tearing the town up at night,
I know my way around NYC better than I know my way around here.

I kept a diary in New York which ended up being pretty long.
I wrote it in bars and cafes at night as I wandered around looking for the kind of New York you see in Scorsese films and the good news is that I found it!
I also took around 1500 photographs and met some great people…BUT!
I’m gonna have to tell you all about it later.
I’ll get it typed up and post it all up on here over the next week or so.

So here I am feeling homesick for a place that’s ain’t even my home.
Maybe one day it will be.

Al Cook’s “Necropolis” Is Alive!

It’s alive!
IT’S ALIVE!

I’ve been very busy for the last few weeks putting together a sinister collection of stories and illustrations.
I suppose you could call it a comic book.

I’ve decided to call it Al Cook’s “Necropolis” because I live beside Glasgow’s Necropolis.
I’ll post each entry here BUT!
It has a place of it’s own and you can visit HERE.

But be warned,
It’ll scare the holy guacamole out of you.

The Future’s Bright, The Future’s Fucked.

Last month I overheard two teenage lassies on the bus say “LOL” to each other instead of actually laughing.

Yes it made me despair for the entire future of Humans.
And yes it made me want to smash their screwed up orange faces in.

Actually,
Seeing that made me want to smash my own face in but the way I see it;
If you can’t kill ’em,
Laugh at ’em.

I accept that a lot of kids these days are complete morons.

So I went and looked up an Internet Slang Dictionary.
It’s fucking ridiculous and sad and hilarious all at once and here are some of the best ones I found:
(P.S. 3 of these are made up by me. See if you can spot them).

BOBFOC: Body of Baywatch, Face of Crimewatch.

MLOD: Mega laugh out loud of doom.

MWSMIRL: Maybe we should meet in real life.

DIAF: Die in a fire.

ODAY: Software illegally obtained before it was released.

A3: Anyplace, anywhere, anytime.

BUTTERFACE: Everything is hot but her face.

FMNKML: Fuck me now, kiss me later.

CODE 9: Parents are watching.

DYCOTFC: Do you cyber on the first chat?

FGI: Fucking Google it.

BWPWAP: Back when Pluto was a planet.

AFCPMGO: Away from computer parents may go on.

LIWDAD: Like I would do a disabled.

OFN: Old fucking news.

AMIIGAF: Ask me if I give a fuck.

BB4H: Bros before hoes.

CYA: Cover your ass.

FANF: Fancy a nostril fuck?

LOLLERCAUST: An extreme event of hilarity.

IRSOAK: I’d rather sit on a knife.

SINGLE: Stay intoxicated nightly, get laid everyday.

So there you go parents.
That’s what your kids are getting up to on the computer.

This is my favourite:

SOFAS: Stepping out for a smoke.

Your Cat’s Deid.

“Your cat’s deid”.

Remember that?
Remember people used to say that to boys in school who had trousers like this:

Why was that?
Short trousers.
White socks.
Slip-On shoes with tassles if you were very unlucky.

What’s that got to do with cats?
“Your cat’s are deid mate”.
Where did that saying come from and what’s it got to do with this:

Was Michael Jackson involved?

I remember these poor guys at school who constantly had to put up with:
“Here mate, your cats are deid”.

And then later on,
That saying changed into people making a simple gun noise followed by a Miaow.

What the fuck was that all about?
Was it just a Scottish thing?
Anyone know anything?

The Polishing & Scrubbing Of Robocop.

I watched “Robocop” last night.

This film came out in 1987 and that year seems like yesterday to me but watching it again proves that 1987 was in fact, a very long time ago.

I loved this film then and I love it now.
I was all ready to write about the dead on social commentary it provided of the times.
I was ready to talk about the wit of the film.
I wanted to talk about the completely over the top excessive, cartoon violence of the film.
In short,
I just wanted to explain why this film is a big shiny metal classic to me.

But no.
I’ve decided to tell you about something else instead.

A sign of the sad and depressing, joyless, politically correct world we now walk around in.

Y’see,
I hate censorship.
If you read this blog, you’ve probably noticed.

I’m very against censorship and “Robocop” has been heavily censored over the years.
Try to catch it on the T.V. sometime, the results are hilarious!

FUCK ME!” becomes “WHY ME!“,
MOTHERFUCKER!” becomes “MOTHERCRUSHER!“.

But anyways,
I was digging around the internet and found a “Scrubbed” version of “Robocop”.
Know what “Scrubbed” means?

Do you see my problem here?

I mean,
“Robocop” is pretty much all violence and profanity.
The violence is central to the plot and yet here’s some guy offering to “Scrub” this film of all those bad sweary words and remove all of those big bad guns for you.

And the funniest thing is,
It’s not even a joke!
This guy is serious about this scrubbing buisness and he puts the results up online.

My first thought was:
“HAHA! ‘Robocop’ with no violence!? That’ll be about 3 minutes long”.

And folks,
It pretty much is.

This guy even lists his scrubbed version as the Director’s Cut.
That’s just cheeky 🙂

Here’s a screen shot of what this “Scrubber” guy does to films:

Before you say “AL! That’s Fucking Ridiculous!”,
This guy has also “Scrubbed” many more films.

Here’s a list of some of the other films he has “edited to remove profanity, nudity and excessive violence“:

The Terminator“.
Back To The Future“.
JAWS“.
Jurassic Park“.
Ghostbusters“.
Total Recall“.
Shaun Of The Dead“.

The list goes on but I can’t because it’s too ridiculous. 🙂

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