There’s Yer Dinner!

Would you like me to tell you a wee story?

NO?!
– Well I’m going to tell you anyway.

The year was approximately 1989…

…and in 1989 my Mum was a barmaid.
When my Dad wasn’t working day shifts, he was working night shifts and so quite often, my folks were left with only 3 options:
1. Leave me home alone.
2. Pay some babysitter to be terrorised by me.
3. Take me to work with them.
So, more often than not, I’d get to go to the bar with my Mum to watch her work. It was brilliant!

I’d get to sit on a barstool which I had to jump up onto and drunks would pay me to draw pictures of them. They weren’t all drunks but they mostly were. Old guys with rambling stories and lived in faces. Deep lined faces. Interesting faces. Drawing-wise, it was a real school for me.

There was this particular guy. A horrible guy. An old miserable bastard of a man. Every day he would sit hunched over whatever the hell it was he used to drink pints of and mutter swear words away to himself until he was too drunk to talk.

I loved Elvis at the time (Still do!) and I remember this old git who we’ll call…Auld Norrie, telling me that…
(a) Elvis couldn’t play guitar.
(b) People who play the guitar are idiots.
(c) Elvis never wrote his own songs.
(d) People who wrote songs were poofs.
(e) Elvis dyed his blonde hair black.
(f) Elvis was a Mummy’s Boy.
(g) Elvis was probably a poof.

As you can imagine, Auld Norrie was a delight.

He used to steal loo roll from the bathroom, Auld Norrie. His pockets would be stuffed with it.

I never saw him ever talk to anyone in the bar. I never saw him with anyone. His skin was yellow and he was dirty and greasy. I remember thinking to myself that he probably had no one in his life. But I was wrong.

Because one day, the doors of the bar flew open and a woman marched in! A woman in her 50’s who was quite made-up, but you could tell that the make-up was having a tough time trying to conceal the obvious years of misery she’d put up with.

She was carrying something shiny and silver. She had bags with her…

She marched over to Auld Norrie and banged this silver thing down in front of him and said…“THAT’S THE LAST SUNDAY DINNER YOU’LL EVER GET OFF ME!” and then stormed out without looking back.

There was stone silence in the place and I was fixated on this old git. Everybody was.

He peeked under the silver foil and seeing that indeed, there was a full Sunday roast dinner on a plate, he took the foil off and I’ll never forget what he did next.

Very slowly, he opened his manky jacket and put his hand carefully in his inside pocket and pulled out…

A KNIFE AND FORK!

And then he wolfed the whole dinner down! Scranned the entire lot in about 2 minutes flat!

Then after that, he just went right back to being hunched over and drinking and muttering away to himself about “fucking bitches”.

I was about 8 or 9. It was amazing!

He’s dead now, Auld Norrie.
He lay dead for about 10 days at the bottom of his stairs before anybody noticed.

Norrie (Version 3)

You May Also Be Interested In…
* “Hey Buddy, Did You Just See A Real Bright Light?”
* “New York City: A True 8th Avenue Tale” By Bob Heaney
* A Sinister Tennant

‘The Ginger-Snap Cream’ By Alan Cook.

This story is called: “The Ginger-Snap Cream” and it’s completely true.

When I was 8 years old, I tried a biscuit called ‘The Ginger-Snap Cream’ for the first time and I LOVED THEM and later on that same night, when my Mum and Dad were sleeping, I tip-toed down into the kitchen and I stole the ENTIRE packet of biscuits because I wanted them all to be mine.

I crept back up the stairs in the dark and hid the stolen ginger-snap creams under my pilow and over the next couple of days, I was pleased that nobody had noticed the missing biscuits.

One day, I came home from school to be confronted by my Mum and Dad who were holding up the now almost empty packet of ginger-snap creams and straight away, I broke and confessed EVERYTHING!

They told me that I was greedy and that I should be ashamed of myself. And friends, they were quite right.

When Sunday came, I went into the ‘confessional box’ at chapel and confessed my secret thieveing greedy shame to the local priest who told me that Jesus and God were very disappointed in me and that the only way out of it was for me to say 25 ‘Hail Mary’ prayers, an ‘Our Father’ AND a ‘Glory Be’.

I thought the sentence was a bit harsh but I said every last one of those prayers anyway.

TO THIS VERY DAY, I feel greedy whenever I eat even the smallest amount of food and I also have a problem eating infront of people.

THE END.

Alan Cook. (Age 30).

You May Also Be Interested In…
* There’s Yer Dinner!
* A Sinister Tennant
* My Tragic Fridge: An Update

“Hey Buddy, Did You Just See A Real Bright Light?”

All my life, I’ve admired winos and derelicts.

In the mid to late 1980’s, my Mum was a barmaid and we lived right behind the bar she worked in and as you can imagine, I knew a lot of degenerates, drunks and bums.
Hell, some of them are still alive.
– Barely.

I’d always see these guys cutting about on the waste ground beside my house when I was growing up. Big guys in dirty army jackets, swigging from green and brown bottles with long hair and beards.
I’d think to myself: “That’s what I want to be.”

Here I am years later and quite frankly, I sometimes feel disappointed with myself because I didn’t become a complete bum. I came close a couple of times but not close enough. Just because you’re a functioning wino, it doesn’t make you a real derelict.

– A rambling old yarn spinning crazy mad man!
That’s what I’m always aspiring to.

Stan Yale.
Does that name ring a bell?

Stan Yale played the degenerate wino at the beginning of “The Terminator” who says to Kyle Reese:
Hey buddy, did you just see a real bright light?”.

Look at him. He stopped caring a long time ago.
Look at that expression on his face.
It says: “I’m a hopeless jaikey fuck-up and I fucked my entire life up but hey, I’m out of my tree on brown paper bag wine so…every cloud!”
Of course, the expression on his face also says: “Hey buddy, did you just see a real bright light?”

Stan Yale’s wino in “The Terminator” is probably my favourite cinematic portrayal of a drunken degenerate because that’s EXACTLY the kinds of guys I saw when I was growing up in the 1980’s.

Since he played the part so convincingly, I decided to look up Stan Yale on the IMDB and Jesus Christ, did I get a surprise!
How about this for a resume!

2006. Homeless Man. ” My Name Is Earl” (TV Series).
2002. Gus. “Judging Amy” (TV Series).
2002. Homeless Man. “Nikki”. (TV Series).
2001. Homeless Man/Squeegee Guy. “Black Scorpion” (TV Series).
1999. Homeless Guy. “The Pretender” (TV Series).
1999. Stinky’s Friend. “Sabrina The Teenage Witch” (TV Series).
1997. Bearded Man. “Living In Peril”.
1996. Bearded Man. “Persons Unknown”.
1994. Homeless Man. “The Force” (Video).
1994. Homeless Man. “Save Me”.
1993. Bum. “Monolith”.
1992. Alley Bum. “Trancers III”.
1991. Homeless Man. “Dragnet” (TV Series).
1990. Wino #1. “Watchers II”.
1989. Bum. “Matlock” (TV Series).
1987. Bum. “Moonlighting” (TV Series).
1987. White Wino. “Terminal Exposure”.
1987. Bum. “P.I. Private Investigations”.
1984. Derelict. “The Terminator”.

The guy is a professional tramp!

Almost nobody is talking about this man on the IMDB forums but I did find one post which stood out:

This wonderful Gentleman is my Uncle and yes he played the “Bum” or “Homeless man” roles a lot. He also played a pirate in HOOK. I love to hear him talk about the differant movies, shows, and Soap Opera’s he’s been in and about the many actors he worked with.”

So there you go.

You May Also Be Interested In:
* Concept Art: James Cameron’s “Terminator”.
* Amazing Snippets From Les Paul’s Wikipedia.
* A Sinister Tennant.

“Well, …I Faked A Pregnancy”.

When a work colleague asks you if you did anything interesting with your weekend, they almost never expect you to reply with:
Well, …I faked a pregnancy!”

But friends, that’s exactly how my Monday morning kicked off.

See, yesterday being April 1st, Anna and I decided to change our Facebook profile pictures to this:

I thought my friends would see through me right away but suddenly my phone began to ring off the hook!

The Soundtrack To My Life. 02/09/2011.

I’m not dead!
…Although I am now almost 30 with a mortgage so, same thing really.
Heh heh.

This old blog will be back to normal in a few days but in the meantime, here are some of the albums I’ve been listening to whilst moving furniture over the past few days…

Bob Dylan’s “Theme Time Radio Hour”. Episode 3, Drinking (2006):

Gerry Rafferty’s “Can I Have My Money Back” (1972):

The latest from Lenny Kravitz, “Black And White America” (2011):

“Checkmate Savage” by The Phantom Band (2009):

Paul McCartney & Wings, “Red Rose Speedway” (1973):

“As Time Goes By …The Complete Schmilsson In The Night” by Harry Nilsson (1996):

The 2nd LP in Johnny Cash’s American Recordings Series, “American Recordings II: Unchained” (1996):

“Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!!” by Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds (2008):

John Lennon & Yoko Ono’s two way dialogue, “Double Fantasy” (1980):

“The Josua Tree” by U2 (1987):

Probably the latest record I’ve listened to is “Black And White America” from Lenny Kravitz and y’know what? It ain’t bad at all! -It’s pretty funky infact!
I like Kravitz but I’m an album guy and Lenny’s albums usually contain about 3 or 4 great singles with the rest being filler. “Black And White America” is a typical Kravitz album but his songs are getting better!
Maybe it’s ’cause I’ve missed him but I also really like the album cover photo.

I really enjoyed hearing that Gerry Rafferty album again.
Considering how much he’s loved here in Glasgow, it’s surprisingly difficult to find a Gerry Rafferty album for sale in the shops here.
“Can I Have My Money Back” was his debut album.

You’d do well to check out the rest of those records.
You’d do really well!

The blog will be back to normal in a couple of days folks!

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