Thoughts On Rik Mayall.

I’d like to talk about Rik Mayall who died last month.

Rik Mayall meant and still very much means a lot to me. I learned (And stole, and continue to steal) a lot from Rik. He was a giant to me.

I can’t be bothered to delve into my vast (VAST!) library of books (Of which I have definitely read!) and look up what Stephen Fry said about Rik in his book, “The Fry Chronicles”, but he described Rik Mayall along these lines…

“He could be silly, charming, childish, vain and inconsequential in a way that simply and unequivocally delighted. You didn’t question it, analyse it, applaud its cleverness, appreciate its social meaning or admire the work behind it, you simply adored it, as you would any natural phenomenon.”

Stephen Fry seems like a lovely person. I like how Stephen Fry sounds like Stephen Fry even in text. (That’s probably because he IS Stephen Fry…). Anyway, I think that Stephen Fry shouldn’t be so hard on himself. But I’ll address that another time. We’re talking about Rik Mayall here!

I have almost died from laughing twice in my life. The first time was Rik Mayall’s fault and the second time was Billy Connolly’s fault. I wonder if they could’ve been arrested by the Police if I had have expired? I really must look that up just in case I ever see anyone funny on BBC THREE.

A few ‘modern’ ‘comedians’ have also almost made me die (Hi, BBC THREE ‘comedians’!) but only from sighing and as far as I know, they can’t be arrested and sent down for life for that yet. Although, that should be a jail-able offence! I’m friends with the Fuzz, y’know!

I had an oppurchoonity to meet Rik once after I went to see a play of his because I go to see plays all the time but I decided not to in the end. After all, what would I have said? “Hi Rik, I’m Al! I go and see plays ALL the time!”? No, I don’t think so.

So I didn’t.

And that’s that.

Goodbye Rik Mayall. I will miss you.

…And hey, if I ever get the opporchoonity to meet Stephen Fry, I will do it! He seems like a bloody nice feller…

You May Also Be Interested In…
* This Video Of Rik Being Great
* Rik Mayall Presents…Briefest Encounter
* GASMAN! GASMAN! GASMAN!

 

There’s Yer Dinner!

Would you like me to tell you a wee story?

NO?!
– Well I’m going to tell you anyway.

The year was approximately 1989…

…and in 1989 my Mum was a barmaid.
When my Dad wasn’t working day shifts, he was working night shifts and so quite often, my folks were left with only 3 options:
1. Leave me home alone.
2. Pay some babysitter to be terrorised by me.
3. Take me to work with them.
So, more often than not, I’d get to go to the bar with my Mum to watch her work. It was brilliant!

I’d get to sit on a barstool which I had to jump up onto and drunks would pay me to draw pictures of them. They weren’t all drunks but they mostly were. Old guys with rambling stories and lived in faces. Deep lined faces. Interesting faces. Drawing-wise, it was a real school for me.

There was this particular guy. A horrible guy. An old miserable bastard of a man. Every day he would sit hunched over whatever the hell it was he used to drink pints of and mutter swear words away to himself until he was too drunk to talk.

I loved Elvis at the time (Still do!) and I remember this old git who we’ll call…Auld Norrie, telling me that…
(a) Elvis couldn’t play guitar.
(b) People who play the guitar are idiots.
(c) Elvis never wrote his own songs.
(d) People who wrote songs were poofs.
(e) Elvis dyed his blonde hair black.
(f) Elvis was a Mummy’s Boy.
(g) Elvis was probably a poof.

As you can imagine, Auld Norrie was a delight.

He used to steal loo roll from the bathroom, Auld Norrie. His pockets would be stuffed with it.

I never saw him ever talk to anyone in the bar. I never saw him with anyone. His skin was yellow and he was dirty and greasy. I remember thinking to myself that he probably had no one in his life. But I was wrong.

Because one day, the doors of the bar flew open and a woman marched in! A woman in her 50’s who was quite made-up, but you could tell that the make-up was having a tough time trying to conceal the obvious years of misery she’d put up with.

She was carrying something shiny and silver. She had bags with her…

She marched over to Auld Norrie and banged this silver thing down in front of him and said…“THAT’S THE LAST SUNDAY DINNER YOU’LL EVER GET OFF ME!” and then stormed out without looking back.

There was stone silence in the place and I was fixated on this old git. Everybody was.

He peeked under the silver foil and seeing that indeed, there was a full Sunday roast dinner on a plate, he took the foil off and I’ll never forget what he did next.

Very slowly, he opened his manky jacket and put his hand carefully in his inside pocket and pulled out…

A KNIFE AND FORK!

And then he wolfed the whole dinner down! Scranned the entire lot in about 2 minutes flat!

Then after that, he just went right back to being hunched over and drinking and muttering away to himself about “fucking bitches”.

I was about 8 or 9. It was amazing!

He’s dead now, Auld Norrie.
He lay dead for about 10 days at the bottom of his stairs before anybody noticed.

You May Also Be Interested In…
* “Hey Buddy, Did You Just See A Real Bright Light?”
* “New York City: A True 8th Avenue Tale” By Bob Heaney
* A Sinister Tennant

“Back To The Future” I & II Comparison.

Cinematic trivia utterly fascinates me. It’s mostly what I use the internet for and this little nugget from “Back To The Future: Part II” always impressed me:

“Claudia Wells (Jennifer in “Back To The Future“) was unable to reprise her role as she had stopped acting because her mother had been diagnosed with cancer. Elisabeth Shue was then cast as Jennifer, and all the closing shots of “Back To The Future” were re-shot for the beginning of this film.”

“Back To The Future” and “Back To The Future: Part II” were shot roughly 4 years apart and Michael J. Fox visibly aged a little.

Folks, we didn’t have Youtube while I was growing up but I’m glad we do now because…

You May Also Be Interested In…
* “Back To The Future” Concept Art
* “The Godfather”: Robert DeNiro’s Audition Tape
* On The Set: The Movie Filming Locations Channel

Some Drawings By The 13 Year Old Me…

My Mum unearthed some long lost drawings I did at school when I was 13 and gave them to me today.

Although they’re not very good at all, I remember getting really pissed off at the teacher for writing score marks on the actual drawing itself! Even the thought of it gets to me now and I’m 31! Ha Ha!

 

 

‘The Ginger-Snap Cream’ By Alan Cook.

This story is called: “The Ginger-Snap Cream” and it’s completely true.

When I was 8 years old, I tried a biscuit called ‘The Ginger-Snap Cream’ for the first time and I LOVED THEM and later on that same night, when my Mum and Dad were sleeping, I tip-toed down into the kitchen and I stole the ENTIRE packet of biscuits because I wanted them all to be mine.

I crept back up the stairs in the dark and hid the stolen ginger-snap creams under my pilow and over the next couple of days, I was pleased that nobody had noticed the missing biscuits.

One day, I came home from school to be confronted by my Mum and Dad who were holding up the now almost empty packet of ginger-snap creams and straight away, I broke and confessed EVERYTHING!

They told me that I was greedy and that I should be ashamed of myself. And friends, they were quite right.

When Sunday came, I went into the ‘confessional box’ at chapel and confessed my secret thieveing greedy shame to the local priest who told me that Jesus and God were very disappointed in me and that the only way out of it was for me to say 25 ‘Hail Mary’ prayers, an ‘Our Father’ AND a ‘Glory Be’.

I thought the sentence was a bit harsh but I said every last one of those prayers anyway.

TO THIS VERY DAY, I feel greedy whenever I eat even the smallest amount of food and I also have a problem eating infront of people.

THE END.

Alan Cook. (Age 30).

You May Also Be Interested In…
* There’s Yer Dinner!
* A Sinister Tennant
* My Tragic Fridge: An Update