‘Do You Two Know Each Other?’

I’ve worked some dead end jobs in my time.
We all have haven’t we?

Some of them were great.
Some of them made me want to stick an envelope opener into my ear.
Some of them were both.
I suppose all of them were experience.

I’m working long hours these days and it’s reminding me of when I was in my early 20’s.

At that time,
I was studying illustration during the day and working a go nowhere job at night in a 24 hour shop on Sauchiehall Street.

I ended up as a Supervisor because I was stupid enough to accept the job offer and the unsociable hours.

No one wanted this job.
What 20 Year old student wants to work night shifts in Glasgow on Thursdays,
Fridays, Saturdays & Sundays?

I did it for a long time.

This shop was smack bang in the centre of crazy street.
It was surrounded and infested by:
Clubs, Drugs, Hotels, Casinos, Beggars, Thieves, Junkies, Hookers,
Drunks and Batman.
(We’ll get to Batman later folks).

Heh heh…It made me understand Travis Bickle‘s murder spree.

This shop was supposed to be staffed by 8 people and a security guard.
‘Supposed to be’.

In reality,
There was Janette (66 Years old) & A young guy who sometimes showed up for work.
Then there was me in charge of the place.
There we all were.
On the night shift.

The fucking stress of that place.
It was never not full of crazies.
Not once.

I never served anyone in there who wasn’t drunk as fuck.
Not once.
The most genuinely okay people I knew back then were bouncers and hookers.
I still know and like some of them.

I remember one night in particular.

I’d just thrown some guy out for spitting in Janette’s face.
This guy was an evil crazy cuckoo bastard of a man.
Luckily for me he was off his face and trying to climb into his own mouth.
That made getting him out a wee bit easier.

He’s sitting on the street howling at the moon and I’m smoking,
I’m looking at him just incase he decides to go through with the stabbing he’s threatened me with.

Across the road I had my eye on 2 guys punching each other in the face.
‘C’mon Motherfucker!’
This was my night shift equivalent of a lunch break and I deserved some entertainment.
So I decided to watch.

These guys had just been thrown ‘1800’s Saloon style’ out from the Casino across the road.
They’re knocking lumps out of each other.
Neither one backs down.
They’re both Hulks.

The ‘360 Degree’ CCTV Camera mounted on the pole in the street actually turns away from them.
I watched it turn away in ‘Seen it all, bought the T-Shirt, Can’t be bothered, Put the kettle on’ style.

These guys are now at the stage where they have their shirts and belts off.
They’re smacking each other in the face with the buckles.
Macho shit.
I could hear the ‘Thwuck’ sound of ‘Metal buckle meets face’ all the way across the road.

It was hilarious to see.
It ended with 2 smashed faces,
Some whimpering,
Blood & bits of teeth on the pavement and a cold bed for both courtesy of Pitt Street Station.

That was the end of my entertainment I thought.

I went back into the shop and found the obvious:

Batman taking a piss on all of my morning Newspapers.

(In reality, Some student dressed up as Batman who thought he was being funny).
He didn’t even have the decency to be dressed as the cool Batman either.
This prick was in the Adam West gear.

To be fair,
Looking back now,
It’s funny.
But not then.
At the time…

I lost it.


First thing I did was lock the door.
I didn’t want this pointy eared emblem wearing son of a fuck going anywhere.

The police turned up and saw us inside.

I unlocked the front door and faced the fuzz.

‘Are you in charge here?’

Me: ‘I was…’

‘What’s all the shouting about?’

Me: ‘Look Officer. It’s 5 to 4 in the morning and as you can see,
Batman here has obviously confused himself with The Joker ‘cause he’s just pissed all over my fucking Newspapers!’

‘Okay, okay, we’ll take it from here’.

So the 5-0 escorts Batman outside.
I follow them out and then!
Who do I see taking a piss in the street?
Fucking Robin.

I swear on my life that the Police Officer (who had Batman cuffed) went up to Robin (Mid-Piss) and in all seriousness said:

‘Do you two know each other?’

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