“AM I A MUG!?”


I found myself shouting that.
Wild eyed and crazy at my washing machine at 3am this morning.

This was because I’d just got home from work.
I’ve opened my living room door to see a mouse standing on my drawing desk.
Standing on a drawing of mine staring at me!

It stood there beside its own little piece of artwork.
-A wee rice shaped dropping.
Pretty much signifying exactly what it thinks of my work.

Dirty brazen shameless mouse bastard.

I wasn’t angry.

I thought “RIGHT THAT’S IT!”

Big shiny Psycho kitchen knife in one hand and for some reason,
A spatula in the other hand,
I went for it!

It practically flew off the desk onto the couch and rocketed right past me like Roadrunner into the kitchen and under my washing machine.

Meep! Meep!

“Did that mouse just…
“Must have imagined that one Alan”.

It’s been a while since I first knew there was a mouse in my flat.

I even got a wee bit used to it.
This mouse doesn’t give a flying fuck anymore.
It’s got balls of British Steel.

I get humane traps.
It goes into the traps,
Takes the food out,
Looks at me,
Meep! Meep!

It buggers off at lightning speed.

I’m too tired to chase it around the place these days.
Whenever I chase it,
THIS plays on a loop in my head.
What’s that about?

Today I called in The Heavies.

I really didn’t want to do that.

I don’t usually murder people when they take the piss.
Not usually.

It’s the same thing isn’t it?

The Heavies are due tomorrow morning.
I’ll let you know what happens.

No doubt it will end in murder & tragedy.

(Update: It Did).

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Aww if only my dear cat Delilah was still with us… she was a great mouser! I’d lend her to you and she’d have that mouse in her jaws within a couple of hours. She was a funny wee cat too… although she may have jumped on your back. *sighs* I miss her.

  2. Thanks for the offer but I’m allergic to almost everything.
    Especially cats.

    A man I know even offered to loan me his 8 foot long Boa Constictor.



  3. […] In Pieces. By Alan Cook. After THIS and THIS, It finally happened […]

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