Dear Daniel O’Donnell…

This is one of those things where you maybe had to be there at the time.
What do I care.

I’m working Travis Bickle hours at work these days.
It’s The Celtic Connections Festival which means my Insomnia is put to use.

It’s a great festival with a lot of decent music.

Amongst other things,
I sell tickets for the events over a counter or through the phone.

The festival has just begun but already my days are rolling into nights and the nights roll into day and…

I don’t know what time it is.
I don’t know what it’s like outside,
Or what’s going on in general.

Unless it’s to do with The Celtic Festival and/Or What’s Going On in my work,
I don’t know.

It’s 1.30 am here as I write this and although the 12 hour shift I just finished was draining,
It won’t compare to the 18 hour shift I’m doing in a few days.

I’m a pretty boring person right now.

‘What have you been up to Alan?’

– Work.

‘Going anywhere nice tomorrow Alan?’

– Work.

‘What are you thinking about Al?’

– People.
– People at work.

That kind of thing.

I’d like to share some of the situations and conversations that keep me going throughout the Morning, Day, Night & Travis Bickle times.
They all end with ‘No’.

No 1:

Me: ‘There we go Miss,
2 tickets for The Classic Grand’.

Miss (A woman in her 70’s): ‘Thank you young man’.
-‘You know,
When I was a young girl of your age,
The Classic Grand was a porn theatre’.

Me: ‘Was it now!’.
‘Imagine that!’
‘There’s a little part of me that wishes it still was’.
‘What was it like?’

Miss: ‘Ask my Husband here’.
-‘That’s where I met him’.

No 2:

A Man: ‘Hi there, I’d like concert tickets please’.

Me: ‘Okay no problem, which concert and how many tickets?’

Man: ‘I don’t know’.

Me: ‘Do you know what the title of the concert is or which venue it’s being held in?’

Man: ‘No’.

Me: ‘Don’t happen to know which date it falls on?’

Man: ‘No’.

No 3:

Lady: ‘Has anyone ever told you that you resemble Robert Burns?’

Me: ‘All the damn time’.
‘Everyday I get it’.
‘I get it to the point where I look at Ten Pound Notes and wonder why I combed my hair that way that day’.

Lady: ‘Well, you do’.

Me: ‘Robert Burns’ problem is,
He looks like me’.

-‘So, Do you want to book concert tickets?’

Her: ‘No’.

No 4:

Man (Standing beside a big ‘Glasgow Royal Concert Hall’ sign): ‘Is this the Glasgow Pavilion Theatre?’

Me: ‘No’.

This one’s a cracker.

No 5:

Strange lady: ‘Is Daniel O’Donnell here?’

Me: ‘I’m sorry but Daniel O’Donnell isn’t scheduled to perform here and,
So far as I know,
He’s not booked to perform in Glasgow anytime soon’.

Lady: ‘So he’s not here?’

Me: ‘Afraid not’.

Lady: ‘Are you sure he’s not here?’

Me: ‘Positive’.

Lady: ‘Well…Where?..?…..
I’ll just wait here for him then’.

And she stood there in front of me.
Staring blankly at me.

She just stood there!

…Waiting for Daniel O’Donnell.

Me: ‘Em…Daniel O’Donnell isn’t here’.
‘He’s also not going to be here anytime soon’.

Lady: ‘It’s just that I have to tell him something’.

Me: ‘……Okay, Well I’m sure he has an address or an email…’

Lady: ‘I’d rather just wait and tell him when he gets here thanks’.

Me: ‘Miss,
It’s going to be a long wait’.
‘Could be years actually’.
‘I’d suggest maybe coming back another day’.

Lady: ‘I’ll just wait thanks’.

Me: ‘You won’t get anywhere’.

‘I’ll tell you what,
Give me your postcode and I can let you know exactly when Ol’ Danny Boy will be here in advance.

Lady: ‘NO!’

Then she buggered off out the door.


Dear Daniel O’Donnell,

Sorry about that.
You weren’t booked in Glasgow.

All the same,
Sorry for suggesting that the Lady write to you.

Think of it as a sort of payback for everything you’ve ever released.

Especially all of THIS.

Who do you think you are?


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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. I love that first one in particular – she’s my kind of lady!

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