My Experience Of Anxiety Attacks.

For the past while,
I’ve been thinking about Anxiety and attacks and what it actually is.
Just because it interests me and I don’t understand it.

Also,
It just happened to come up a lot recently in various conversations I’ve had with different pals.
It appears it’s quite a common thing.

So.
I thought It might be about time to share my experiences of Anxiety Attacks on here.

I’ve had 2 definate ones and a few wee minor things.
Here goes:

The 1st one happened around January 2 years ago.
I was on a train.
Perfectly happy and content.
I was reading a book and as the train rolled into Rutherglen Station,
I was suddenly completely overcome with the thought:
“I’m FUCKING DYING!”
“My body is shutting down and it’s happening RIGHT NOW!
This came from nowhere.
It felt like a major assault.

I panicked big time at a million miles a second.
There were folk all around me on the train and none of them knew what the hell was happening to me.
I couldn’t speak.
Or move.
I was completely convinced that my heart was about to stop there & then.
Or maybe, explode.

So, What could I do?
Nothing.
That’s what I could do!
I just sat welded to the seat and rolled my eyeballs to the window and thought about everything I’ve never done.
I also started to worry about dying worried.
Strange.

My mind raced and raced.
Then!
Then, the strangest thing that’s ever happened to me happened.

I felt as if I was no longer in my body.
I felt like I was sitting behind myself.
Right behind myself.
It’s difficult to explain…I tried to find an image on Google that describes what happened to me on the train and this is the closest to it that I could find:

Out Of Body Experience

That’s pretty much how I felt except, I was completely seperate from myself.
No body.
No feeling of having a body.

That was a really scary feeling.
I felt like 2 people.
2 seperate Al’s!
One of me was in an utter panic while the other me was thinking about how interesting the sensation was.
Maybe…even, dare I say it, Enjoying it?
I did some research and apart from the cotton wool one,
I could tick every box on the Depersonalisation list: Here.

Well anyways,
The other me wasn’t enjoying it one bit and I was now preparing to be dead.
On the train.

By the time the train got to my stop,
Everything was waring off.
I felt drained and used by whatever this was.
I was shook up but no longer thinking about being dead.
My heart pounded but I was walking now.
Which, I figured, Was something to be pleased about.

Later that night, as I thought about it,
It seemed to start again.
But you can’t kid a kidder!
I quickly caught onto the fact that,
Whatever this was,
I could start it up again if I thought about it too deeply.
I thought to myself:
“Ah ha! I can control this! I win! I’m gonna be just fine!”

And, I was.

Until some months later when I passed through Rutherglen train station and it fucking got me again.
I wonder if the fact that the 1st one happened at this station had anything to do with it…

Anyways,
This time, I wasn’t outside or behind myself.
But, Out of the blue, My hands stopped working.
I dropped my book and couldn’t deal with the coins I had in my palm.
The coins fell to the floor and I was thinking:
“Okay. Great. Now I’m having a fucking stroke? Great.”

That went on and off like that for a few days so I went to the doctor.
She said that I had 2 very extreme anxiety attacks.
“What are those?” I said.
She asked me what was going on in my life.
I was busy, and, I suppose, stressed.
But, no more so than anyone else ever is.

She said that sometimes people don’t know how stressed they are and it can build and build until a person experiences what I did on the train.
I suppose that makes sense to me.

She also said that it’s controlable but it definately could happen again.
I heard what she was saying.
I read up some on it and from then on, I’ve been pretty much fine because I know a little more about it.

Looking back,
It was such an interesting experience.
It’s very unnerving to feel you don’t have a body.
It’s distressing to not be able to communicate.
I don’t think I want to feel that again.

Also, not being in control of your hands, That really distressed me.
I need em!
Both of them!
Lefty & Righty.
Heheh

So that’s what happened to me.
And, Y’know,
I wasn’t gonna publish this but,
Somehow, It feels good to write about it.

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I know exactly what you are talking about! I have panic disorder and mild agoraphobia, I’ve been having panic attacks since I was 8 years old. If I’m really stressed out it gets worse.

    The fact that it happened the first time at the train station, probably made you anxious the second time, because of what happened before and caused you some problems yet again.

  2. Jesus Kimmi!
    8 years old!?
    Wow!
    Horrible things!

    Thank you for your comment 🙂

    x


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