This was my night last night:
So I’m in the bar with my pal Charlie.
Charlie is 58, I’ve known him for 10 years.
I remember when he was just a boy of 48. Ha ha..
Great guy, terrific guitar player.
Anyway, So Charlie had invited me round to his for some wine and music and as much as I’d have liked to, I had to turn down the offer.
I was tired and the only reason I was at the bar last night was to meet another pal about a guitar he was giving me but I’ll maybe get to that later.
Charlie leaves and there I am at the bar, sipping my Jack Daniels and facing the mirrored gantry staring at the bottles and occasionaly, the reflection of my out of date haircut.
In the mirror i notice this notorious (And for lack of a better word) tramp of a woman bothering every guy in the place.
Let’s just call this woman “Anne”.
Afterall, That’s her name! Ha ha!
So, I watch her in the mirror as Anne goes around every fella in the bar.
Trying to kiss them, Feeling them up, Rubbing her body up against them…That kind of thing.
Now, this woman is easily 46, aggressive, slim and was probably good looking 15 years ago.
Most of all though, She is totally fucking notorious for this type of behaviour.
A few guys actually got so sick and freaked out by her that they left the place!
Can you guess what happened next?
Thats right, she comes over to me.
She puts her arms around my neck…
Her: Happy New Year Al!
Me: Same to you.
Her: Don’t I get a kiss?
(I blew her a kiss).
Her: That it?
Me: That’s it.
(That wasn’t “It” at all folks!)
She’s in my face, grabbing me, trying to fucking kiss me…Or…Eat my face…..Or…..Something!!
I’m thinking: “AAAaarrrrgggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!”
At this point, “Psycho Killer” by Talking Heads comes on the loud speakers.
I kick my stool away behind me and push her off…
“GET THE FUCK OFF ME!
FUCK THE FUCK OFF!!!
GO WHEREVER IT IS PEOPLE LIKE YOU GO AND FUCKING STAY THERE!!”
Now she’s giving me the most ugly stare I’ve ever seen.
So, by now I’m actually getting embarassed at shouting in a bar.
But I decided to give her both barrels:
“LOOK, I’VE WATCHED YOU OFFER YOURSELF ON A FUCKING PLATE TO EVERYONE IN THIS BAR FOR YEARS.
FUCKING YEARS! YOU’VE BEEN AN ABBUSIVE DISGRACE AND THIS IS LONG OVERDUE!
I’M GOING FOR A CIGARETTE.
DON’T BE HERE WHEN I GET BACK!”
You know in the movies when the record suddenly stops and everyone stops and stares?
Well that’s what happened here.
This fucking thing Anne then went on to insult everyone and got kicked out by the bar staff as I was coming back in.
I feel sorry for people like that I really do.
As soon as she was out, Everyone in the bar cheered as “There She Goes” by The La’s played on the stereo.
What are the fucking odds on that?
Anyways, After that, I was wide awake, I went back to my Jack and I went on to have a fucking excellent night.
All the same, What a fucking nightmare!