The Sound Of Music At Sloans.

“The Hills are alllliiiivvveee with the sound of mmmmmmuuuussssiiiccc!”

Going by these photos you wouldn’t think it but I ended up enjoying Sloan’s screening of “The Sound Of Music”.
I’d never seen it before but it’s one of Anna’s favourites so I gave it a go.

Well, just as I expected. Total chick flick but that Julie Andrews can run REALLY fast can’t she?
Ever noticed that?
If I was James Cameron I would’ve cast HER as the T-1000 instead of Robert Patrick.

I enjoyed the “The Sound Of Music” but I would say that “Werevolves On Wheels” and “Deranged: Confessions Of A Necrophile” (Which I watched when I got home that night) are better movies.

I’m sure the only other two men at “The Sound Of Music” screening would agree with me.
Maybe I’ll ask them if I see them at Sloan’s upcoming screening of “JAWS”!
Ah, Jaws…what a classic…

Your Wedding And Cake Were Boring.

I can’t bottle this up any longer.
If I was at your wedding, it’s more than likely that I was incredibly bored.
I’m sorry but I was and on the upside, your wedding wasn’t as boring as your cake.

Your wedding cake didn’t really say ‘THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!’ to me.
It just didn’t.
It was nice but like your wedding itself, it was the same as every other cake at every other wedding I’ve ever been to – PLAIN.
…And I’ve been to HUNDREDS of boring weddings.
Hundreds of ‘em!

Here’s what I think when I see your wedding cake:
YAWN-O-RAMA!

Your dream day is my idea of a nightmare and I’m telling you this as a friend just incase you get divorced and decide to get married to someone else who doesn’t know how boring you are yet.

You should take a look at these cakes because if I ever get married, it WILL be the greatest day of my life and I’ll make sure that it’s reflected by my amazing cake.

I bet the couple who ordered this cake aren’t as boring as you:

If you’re gonna be a vain person, be the VAINEST person:

If you’re saying to yourself “That’s all very fine and well Al but cupcakes just aren’t my thing. The Alien films are my thing!” then do not worry my friend because:

…Or maybe you freakin’ LOVE Van Gogh’s “Starry Night”:

Or how about a clocktower “Back To The Future” set as your wedding cake?
Great Scott Marty!

I can’t really see myself getting married anytime soon and definitely not in the conventional way but I’m not against marriage and some people really do it in style.
Max Koch’s halloween horror themed wedding springs to mind but I just don’t think that I’m the type.
If I was, I’d probably have a cake that was along the lines of…

Times have changed.
You don’t really have an excuse for a plain old white 3 tier cake anymore so get thinking because I don’t want to be filing your wedding under ‘Yawn-O-Rama’ in my memories filing cabinet.
…Although, I probably won’t get an invite now will I?

View all of the amazing cakes HERE and don’t forget to tune in next time folks where I’ll be telling you just why you’re kids are ugly.

New York Diary: Part IV.

New York Diary: Part IV.
Drunk And Painted Green.

Going by what EVERYBODY told me last night, there is no way I’m avoiding St. Patrick’s Day in Manhattan.
I’m in the wrong place too.
5th Avenue – The very heart of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade!
Nah.
No way am I avoiding this.

Today, the bars opened at 5am and everyone is Irish.
They’re more Irish than the Irish today!
- Except they’re not.
Their Great Grandparents were maybe from Ireland but eating a bowl of Lucky Charms every morning is about as Irish as most of the folks I meet today are gonna get.

The parade is brilliant and everyone is drunk and painted green but 5 hours of standing in a big fuck off crowd like this?
Nah.
It’s jam packed here and after 2 hours I decide to get the hell out of there.
I head up to Central Park West and keep walking.
I’ve got designs on seeing Harlem but I get nowhere near it.
I walked up and took a left at The Dakota building where John Lennon got shot in 1980.

Across 72nd and down through Columbus Circle.
It’s nice and quiet up here and I’m wishing my Family were up this part of town with me when a funny thing happens.

Who do I spy WAAAAAYYYYY across the street at the foot of Central Park but my Family!
Crazy when you think I never told them where I was gonna be and I left them blocks and blocks away on the east side of the city on one of busiest days of the year.
That’s New York for ya!

My Sister told me of her trauma of meeting Elmo and how he wanted “Dollars!” before he allowed a photo!
Ha Ha!

The St. Patrick’s Celebrations continued all day and all night.
I was impressed by New Yorkers and their ability to drink.
…But only just.
I guess it’s easy with the teeny weeny glasses they call ‘pints’ :)

Today, the entire city took a day off.
Even The Empire State Building got in on the action!

Even the usually black Metlife Building was green that day and I still can’t work out how that was done.

Don’t try and tll me it’s always green because it’s not!

That night we walked around Times Square which is probably the most terrifying part of New York for me.
Neon everywhere and mobbed with tourists and rip-off shops.
Pretty to look at though :)

At 11pm that night I did something which I don’t think I’ll forget any time soon.
I walked around Midtown Manhattan listening to Bernard Hermann’s soundtrack for “Taxi Driver”.
That was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had!

When I was sure all the drunks would be drunk enough to get their asses home, I hit a few bars.

Frat Party’s.
I can’t stand these meathead frat guys.
I saw 5 of them all high-fiving each other outside an Irish Bar beside Madison Square Garden and when I walked past them into the bar they shouted “Hey man! Do you like Football!?” but I just glowered at them because I still had the seedy murderous music of “Taxi Driver” in my ears.

It was a pretty good bar to be fair.
It was called Molly Wee’s and you should stop by if you’re ever passing.
Abbey tried to teach me to dance that night.
Big mistake there.
I’m the World’s worst dancer!
I’ve danced girls full on into walls before and had to run away!
One of these days I’m gonna learn to dance.

I remember those frat guys coming into the bar later and shouting:
“CAN I GET A HEEEEELLLLLL YEAH!?” and straight away I heard a Glasgow voice answer:
- “Naw”.
It could’ve been the whisky I was drinking but it was the funniest thing I’d seen all night.

My 4th night ended at 4ish across the street listening to the whole bar sing along to Bob Dylan’s “Subtrerranean Homesick Blues”

I loved that and already I was dreading the homesickness I knew I was gonna be feeling for New York in a couple of days time.

Credit Card? You Got It!

I was standing at some traffic lights on Argyle Street a few years ago when the thought first popped into my head.

Low cut jeans.
Full bare orange muffin top on display.
There are loads of people out there modelling this look and when they bend over (even slightly) you can see the full crack of their bum.

I started noticing this a lot as I wandered around town of an evening and I decided to do something about it and I’m gonna tell you what to do in such a situation.

As the person bends over and the bum line makes itself known to you,
Simply take out a credit card and quick as a flash,
swipe it down the line.
When they turn around demading to know what the fuck is going on simply reply:

“Credit card? You got it!”

You should probably run away after doing this as the police can appear within seconds.
I should know.

I should also mention that you should probably avoid using your own credit card for this and that some people’s bums don’t accept Visa Electron or American Express.

Anyways,
Here we all are in 2011 and it seems that I’m not the only one who’s had this idea.

Check out this horrendous video to this horrendous song.
I think the credit card makes an appearance around the 6.20-6.35 mark.

All Work And No Play…

Hi folks,

I haven’t really written anything on here for a while.
I know this because my pals have been saying to me:
“You haven’t really written anything on there for a while”.

January was all swallowed up by working insanelly long double (and sometimes triple) shifts at work.
I did it all for the money.
…And it all got taxed to fuck.

Live and learn though eh?

Aye, so all of my time has been filled with work.
When I come home I get stuck into my other work which you can view
HERE.

I’ve used any spare time:
Reading Alan Moore‘s “Watchmen“.
Listening to Bernard Herrmann‘s soundtrack & score for “Taxi Driver“.

Not a bad way at all to spend free time as far as I’m concerned.

I’ll try to write some more on here from now now on.
I hope you are all well and that none of you have died recently.

In the meantime,
Find me on Twitter & Facebook.

Al Cook.

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