Man Down.

Walking home on Saturday night, guess what I found?

You betcha.
A man lying down on the kerb outside my flat.
- COVERED in blood!

These days, you need to get up really early in the morning to surprise me but this was a strange one.

This guy was about 45 and was probably the drunkest guy I’ve ever seen.
He was lying down at first and then when I came along, he sat up.
Like I say, he was covered in blood and I mean COVERED!
I thought at first that he’d been hit by a car but I don’t know. Maybe he got jumped or maybe he just fell over and fucked himself up. I never found out because he was too drunk to even string a sentence together. He kept saying “Polish! Polish!” but then he’d just gurggle.

Don’t get me wrong, he was nice an pleasant.
Considering he had a hole the size of a snooker ball above his eye and a smashed in face, he was really calm and smiley.

I lit a cigarette for him because his hands were caked with with blood and we sat smoking, waiting for the ambulance I’d phoned to show up.
The ambulance showed up about a minute and a half later which really impressed me because this was 11pm on a Staurday night in Glasgow.
Not bad at all.

The guy with blood all over him seemed pleased to see the friendly paramedics and got up too quickly because his legs buckled and he fell straight onto his face on the road.
I thought to myself: “That’s probably how he got himself banged up in the first place – Because he’s howling at the moon drunk!”

The guy winked at me and managed a  thanks as he got into the ambo and I hope that he’s alright now…but y’know what?
He was dressed in a grey pinstriped suit, a purple velvet waistcoat and those 1920′s American ‘Spats’ gangster shoes!

The ambulance drove away and I stood on the kerb like this:
“What?”

 

Nirvana’s Nevermind: The 20th Anniversary.

You know you’re getting on in life when the 20th Anniversary of Nirvana’s “Nevermind” is rolling towards you.
…Or swimming towards you like the baby on the front cover…

…Who’s not even a baby anymore because WAKE THE HELL UP MAN! THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO!

That’s right, you’re old!

Nirvana’s “Nevermind” will be 20 years old on September and as is the trend these days, the album is being re-released as a Superduper Ultra Extra Special Extended Deluxe Box Set! …With even more Nirvana added!
But does anyone really need all of this?

The Deluxe edition tracklisting:

CD one
Original album:
Smells Like Teen Spirit
In Bloom
Come As You Are
Breed
Lithium
Polly
Territorial Pissings
Drain You
Lounge Act
Stay Away
On A Plain
Something In The Way

B-sides:
Even In His Youth
Aneurysm
Curmudgeon
D-7 (live at the BBC)
Been A Son (live)
School (live)
Drain You (live)
Sliver (live)
Polly (live)

CD two
The Smart Studio Sessions:
In Bloom (previously unreleased)
Imodium (previously unreleased)
Lithium (previously unreleased)
Polly (previously unreleased mix)
Pay To Play
Here She Comes Now
Dive (previously unreleased)
Sappy (previously unreleased)

The Boombox Rehearsals:
Smells Like Teen Spirit
Verse Chorus Verse (previously unreleased)
Territorial Pissings (previously unreleased)
Lounge Act (previously unreleased)
Come As You Are
Old Age (previously unreleased)
Something In The Way (previously unreleased)
On A Plain (previously unreleased)

BBC Sessions:
Drain You (previously unreleased)
Something In The Way (previously unreleased)

The Super Deluxe edition tracklisting (CDs one and two as per Deluxe edition):

CD three
The Devonshire Mixes:
Smells Like Teen Spirit
In Bloom
Come As You Are
Breed
Lithium
Territorial Pissings
Drain You
Lounge Act
Stay Away
On A Plain
Something In The Way

CD four & DVD
Live At The Paramount Theatre:
Jesus Doesn’t Want Me For A Sunbeam
Aneurysm
Drain You
School
Floyd The Barber
Smells Like Teen Spirit
About A Girl
Polly
Breed
Sliver
Love Buzz
Lithium
Been A Son
Negative Creep
On A Plain
Blew
Rape Me
Territorial Pissings
Endless, Nameless

DVD only
Music videos:
Smells Like Teen Spirit
Come As You Are
Lithium
In Bloom

I’m one to talk because I have ‘Deluxe’ versions of albums by Iggy Pop & Bob Dylan and I even bought the ‘Deluxe’ version of Jeff Buckley’s “Grace” but it’s a bit much for Nirvana ain’t it? I mean, Nirvana are one of the most bootlegged bands out there and I dunno about you but I’ve heard almost all of the ‘Previoulsy Unreleased’ stuff on this new version of “Nevermind”.

I like to hear demos and outtakes and I like to hear how things come together but sometimes too much of this stuff can take away from an album that’s great on it’s own.
It’s the exact same with movies these days. You can’t go out and just buy a film. You gotta buy some 4 disc extended edition with extra dinosaurs.

I listened to “Nevermind” a few weeks ago and I still love it.
I’ve heard that album thousands of times and I still play it because it’s good and that’s good enough for me.
So I won’t be shelling out the obvious fortune that this 20th Anniversary Edition is gonna cost.

I’ll be on youtube watching some Nirvana stuff that’s not gonna be on the 20th Anniversary Edition of “Nevermind” if anyone needs me.

Your Wedding And Cake Were Boring.

I can’t bottle this up any longer.
If I was at your wedding, it’s more than likely that I was incredibly bored.
I’m sorry but I was and on the upside, your wedding wasn’t as boring as your cake.

Your wedding cake didn’t really say ‘THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!’ to me.
It just didn’t.
It was nice but like your wedding itself, it was the same as every other cake at every other wedding I’ve ever been to – PLAIN.
…And I’ve been to HUNDREDS of boring weddings.
Hundreds of ‘em!

Here’s what I think when I see your wedding cake:
YAWN-O-RAMA!

Your dream day is my idea of a nightmare and I’m telling you this as a friend just incase you get divorced and decide to get married to someone else who doesn’t know how boring you are yet.

You should take a look at these cakes because if I ever get married, it WILL be the greatest day of my life and I’ll make sure that it’s reflected by my amazing cake.

I bet the couple who ordered this cake aren’t as boring as you:

If you’re gonna be a vain person, be the VAINEST person:

If you’re saying to yourself “That’s all very fine and well Al but cupcakes just aren’t my thing. The Alien films are my thing!” then do not worry my friend because:

…Or maybe you freakin’ LOVE Van Gogh’s “Starry Night”:

Or how about a clocktower “Back To The Future” set as your wedding cake?
Great Scott Marty!

I can’t really see myself getting married anytime soon and definitely not in the conventional way but I’m not against marriage and some people really do it in style.
Max Koch’s halloween horror themed wedding springs to mind but I just don’t think that I’m the type.
If I was, I’d probably have a cake that was along the lines of…

Times have changed.
You don’t really have an excuse for a plain old white 3 tier cake anymore so get thinking because I don’t want to be filing your wedding under ‘Yawn-O-Rama’ in my memories filing cabinet.
…Although, I probably won’t get an invite now will I?

View all of the amazing cakes HERE and don’t forget to tune in next time folks where I’ll be telling you just why you’re kids are ugly.

Movie Review: “Grey Gardens” (1975).

Okay, hands in the air,
I’d never heard of “Grey Gardens” until Anna came around telling me that I HAD to see this documentary.

“You HAVE to see this!” she said.

I was sucked right into this film from the start and I’ve been reading up on the history for 2 weeks now.
It maybe has something to do with the fact that I live alone and can be a bit of a shut-away at times but folks,
I am fascinated by this story.

Grey Gardens is a crumbling estate in the Hampton Hills of Long Island occupied by Aunt of Jackie Onassis,
Edith Bouvier Beale (Big Edie) and her Daughter Edith Bouvier Beale (Little Edie).
Once part of New York’s High Society, this documentary catches them in the 1970′s as their money gradually runs out and the once grand mansion is now a crumbling, overgrown ruin filled with tin cans, cats and wild raccoons.

It’s a tragic watch as we see the squalor these two Ladies live in.
Their days consist of sitting on their twin beds beside each other, reminiscing, bickering, talking about missed opportunities and eating ice cream with knives.
Little Edie is nothing short of haunting as we see her wear upside down skirts, turbans and big fur coats as she dances around Grey Gardens like a banshee.
We see Big Edie sing “Tea For Two” in her sweet childlike pitch and can’t help but think of “Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?“
Oh yeah, and cats.
They have lots and lots of cats.

With the two Edie’s living off of $300 a Month,
Jackie Onassis eventually steps in with the cash to bring the Grey Gardens Mansion back up to it’s original grand standards but it’s not long before Big Edie and Little Edie neglect it again and it’s soon worse than ever.
With cats peeing everywhere, no running water and Little Edie feeding the wild raccoons in the house, you can only wonder how these Ladies got to this stage.

It’s easy to watch this documentary and write both Women off as crazy but you know what I think?
I think they’re just eccentric and labelled crazy because they’re not like most people.

It’s hard not to love Big Edie and Little Edie.
It’s hard not to feel really sad for them too.

This is one of the most interesting films I’ve seen and I recommend it to you!

Some links:

The Original 1975 “Grey Gardens” Trailer.
The HBO 2009 Film “Grey Gardens” Trailer.
The Grey Gardens Website.

Homesick For A Place That Ain’t Even Home.

So that’s me back from New York City.
I took several big bites outta The Big Apple and it tastes sweet!

I was over there for only one week and it went past in lightning time.
This was my 3rd time over there and now it’s all over.

I’ve got the ‘came back from New York 2 days ago’ blues.
I’m bluer than Joni Mitchell’s blue face on the cover of her album “Blue“, playing the blues on a blue guitar from Picasso’s blue period with my face painted blue in front row seats watching Blue Man Group whilst punching Anthony Costa‘s face in

One day you’re standing on the corner of 34th and 8th then…WHOOSH!
Next thing you know you’re standing in the middle of Duke Street with a what the hell just happened look on your face.

I’m tired as hell.
I’ve pretty much been up for a whole week and 3 hours after my plane landed back in Glasgow,
I went out on the town to see the terrifying stand up comedy of Jerry Sadowitz.

Needless to say I had the time of my life over in New York.
It feels like home more than home feels like home.
Out all day doing all kinds of interesting things and tearing the town up at night,
I know my way around NYC better than I know my way around here.

I kept a diary in New York which ended up being pretty long.
I wrote it in bars and cafes at night as I wandered around looking for the kind of New York you see in Scorsese films and the good news is that I found it!
I also took around 1500 photographs and met some great people…BUT!
I’m gonna have to tell you all about it later.
I’ll get it typed up and post it all up on here over the next week or so.

So here I am feeling homesick for a place that’s ain’t even my home.
Maybe one day it will be.