This story is called: “The Ginger-Snap Cream” and it’s completely true.
When I was 8 years old, I tried a biscuit called ‘The Ginger-Snap Cream’ for the first time and I LOVED THEM and later on that same night, when my Mum and Dad were sleeping, I tip-toed down into the kitchen and I stole the ENTIRE packet of biscuits because I wanted them all to be mine.
I crept back up the stairs in the dark and hid the stolen ginger-snap creams under my pilow and over the next couple of days, I was pleased that nobody had noticed the missing biscuits.
One day, I came home from school to be confronted by my Mum and Dad who were holding up the now almost empty packet of ginger-snap creams and straight away, I broke and confessed EVERYTHING!
They told me that I was greedy and that I should be ashamed of myself.
And friends, they were quite right.
When Sunday came, I went into the ‘confessional box’ at chapel and confessed my secret thieveing greedy shame to the local priest who told me that Jesus and God were very disappointed in me and that the only way out of it was for me to say 25 ‘Hail Mary’ prayers, an ‘Our Father’ AND a ‘Glory Be’.
I thought the sentence was a bit harsh but I said every last one of those prayers anyway.
TO THIS VERY DAY, I feel greedy whenever I eat even the smallest amount of food and I also have a problem eating infront of people.
Alan Cook. (Age 30).
All my life, I’ve admired winos and derelicts.
In the mid to late 1980′s, my Mum was a barmaid and we lived right behind the bar she worked in and as you can imagine, I knew a lot of degenerates, drunks and bums.
Hell, some of them are still alive.
I’d always see these guys cutting about on the waste ground beside my house when I was growing up. Big guys in dirty army jackets, swigging from green and brown bottles with long hair and beards.
I’d think to myself: “That’s what I want to be.”
Here I am years later and quite frankly, I sometimes feel disappointed with myself because I didn’t become a complete bum. I came close a couple of times but not close enough. Just because you’re a functioning wino, it doesn’t make you a real derelict.
- A rambling old yarn spinning crazy mad man!
That’s what I’m always aspiring to.
Does that name ring a bell?
Stan Yale played the degenerate wino at the beginning of “The Terminator” who says to Kyle Reese:
“Hey buddy, did you just see a real bright light?”.
Look at him. He stopped caring a long time ago.
Look at that expression on his face.
It says: “I’m a hopeless jaikey fuck-up and I fucked my entire life up but hey, I’m out of my tree on brown paper bag wine so…every cloud!”
Of course, the expression on his face also says: “Hey buddy, did you just see a real bright light?”
Stan Yale’s wino in “The Terminator” is probably my favourite cinematic portrayal of a drunken degenerate because that’s EXACTLY the kinds of guys I saw when I was growing up in the 1980′s.
Since he played the part so convincingly, I decided to look up Stan Yale on the IMDB and Jesus Christ, did I get a surprise!
How about this for a resume!
2006. Homeless Man. ” My Name Is Earl” (TV Series).
2002. Gus. “Judging Amy” (TV Series).
2002. Homeless Man. “Nikki”. (TV Series).
2001. Homeless Man/Squeegee Guy. “Black Scorpion” (TV Series).
1999. Homeless Guy. “The Pretender” (TV Series).
1999. Stinky’s Friend. “Sabrina The Teenage Witch” (TV Series).
1997. Bearded Man. “Living In Peril”.
1996. Bearded Man. “Persons Unknown”.
1994. Homeless Man. “The Force” (Video).
1994. Homeless Man. “Save Me”.
1993. Bum. “Monolith”.
1992. Alley Bum. “Trancers III”.
1991. Homeless Man. “Dragnet” (TV Series).
1990. Wino #1. “Watchers II”.
1989. Bum. “Matlock” (TV Series).
1987. Bum. “Moonlighting” (TV Series).
1987. White Wino. “Terminal Exposure”.
1987. Bum. “P.I. Private Investigations”.
1984. Derelict. “The Terminator”.
The guy is a professional tramp!
Almost nobody is talking about this man on the IMDB forums but I did find one post which stood out:
“This wonderful Gentleman is my Uncle and yes he played the “Bum” or “Homeless man” roles a lot. He also played a pirate in HOOK. I love to hear him talk about the differant movies, shows, and Soap Opera’s he’s been in and about the many actors he worked with.”
So there you go.
When a work colleague asks you if you did anything interesting with your weekend, they almost never expect you to reply with:
“Well, …I faked a pregnancy!”
But friends, that’s exactly how my Monday morning kicked off.
See, yesterday being April 1st, Anna and I decided to change our Facebook profile pictures to this:
I thought my friends would see through me right away but suddenly my phone began to ring off the hook!
The back of the photo says it was taken on June 1982 and although you may not believe me, I remember this like it happened yesterday,
Because…It was the scariest moment of my life!
Aye that’s right.
When I was a kid my Mum & Dad bought a big 5 foot tall terrifying knitted clown and put it to bed with me.
- Every night!
- For years!
They thought I liked it!
…Right up until I could talk and tell them everything. Y’know, how I’d been living in fear etc…
That clown is long gone now. I threw it out myself.
I’m 30 in a couple of weeks and sometimes, just sometimes, I get the feeling that it’s just waiting to show up again and whisper bad things in my ears like it used to.
“Kill for me baby Alan! Kill for me and I’ll give you all the rusks you want!” it would say.
I can’t go on.
The memories are still just too disturbing for me